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Ahmadinejad Files Complaint Against Unilever

He is more radical than the petition campaigners - according to Iranian ex-President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, for a corporation that has committed what he calls the mortal sin of violent propaganda, it is not sufficient to change its policy and behaviour. Once certain criteria are fulfilled, so the notorious hardliner, a corporation is to be dissolved, its corporate identity purged off the market, and "no window is to be left in its wall, no desk is to be left on its carpet." That is the case, so the Iranian political heavyweight, when the corporate identity and not just the product is subject to tampering. According to Mr. Ahmadinejad, the American designer-food conglomerate Unilever has crossed that line and is to be disassembled.
Ahmadinejad says he was not asked by the corporation whether his face was available for advertising so-called Russian czar soap branded with the Iranian name Jamkaran, that actually is made in Egypt after an undisclosed recipe of which the manufacturer says it was originating from Russia and recommended by the prominent Iranian politician. None of this is true, and the name is inappropriate as well, says Mr. Ahmadinejad. "Apparently they were so certain that I would not enter such a deal that they never asked. It remains unclear to me why they would need me, for if it was as good that I would use it, for the mere reason of preserving the integrity of my public judgement I would abstain from any involvement in selling it." Environmentalists have described the product as a dangerous incentive for rainforest destruction and called upon Unilever to change its purchasing and marketing policies, but Ahmadinejad did not join a collection of tens of thousands of signatures on the net as some commentators had been speculating.

"I donate the unsolicited publicity to a solution of the corporate crap conundrum. Why are Western cultures stuck in corporate crap up to their ears most of the time? Solve this and I will drop all the momentum from the campaign into your solutionīs electric alms bowl." He also said that he believed clerical excellence was defined by the ability to disable likewise abuse in the first place. "This time it was me and a household supplier, we must make sure that there is no next time with you and this or that corporation. I think that the high water mark of abusive advertising should be left to the rain of true words. Besides that, Saddam would have been proud of their devastations. Screw Unilever."

Ahmadinejad did not comment upon a plagiarism of his famous "Letter to Mr. Bush" in which he had warned of the current situation in Iraq, coming as a fabricated letter to the czar praising the supposed special qualities of the product - such as speeding up the procedure of body care - targeting a market of men reluctant to take cosmetic suggestions from women. He said that the complaint would not be delivered to any Unitedstates authority, but instead a large number of copies thereof freely distributed on the stock markets. "Even if the central banks collect all our leaflets, they cannot legally dispose them. Do you know that the European central bank alone is stuffing another office floor with filing cabinets every month only to store the government bonds it purchases, like a molten reactor blob eats a pressure vessel? They will need another new building soon, or add a few floors on top. Same with our complaints, everything traders do not pick up directly fills up that office space."

He argued that for the handling of the situation it was irrelevant whether the product was on a list of items he had tested, and insisted that he had checked sufficient specimen to decide without a product test. "What do you think? How realistic is it that a person would test a product of which the manufacturer already concluded that it sells more successful if the person the sale is being associated with is not being asked for consent? Our revolution would not be worth a drop of oil if it could not defend us against that. Just think of all the poor people in Western countries who experience the same, but cannot convince a judge how a corporation they criticise plagiarising not only from their creative commons no-re-commercialisation protected works but also from their privacy does commit a crime, because they could only present the court with originals and plagiarisms but not with forensic evidence that the advertiser was spoon-fed by a spy. Yet we figured out that the product Unilever is trying to associate with me is a net loss, and they are only funnelling money into it for harassment."

"In the last days you have again seen the best and brightest of the self-destructive civilisation throw such packages at climate summit participants. These people are without sin, even those among them who reject me because they reject Unilever corporation. Yet as a statesman, I like to throw something completely different at the fools. If everyone agreed to end the war and solve the climate problem tomorrow, there would still be the war damage. Can you imagine these hypocrites to sit down with you over a glass of uncontrolled groundwater and talk about reparations? I personally believe any reparation issue can only be finally settled when doing damage has ended. Yet the key to solving the climate problem is to agree upon reparation issues before we start shrinking the world economy, because in the middle of the shrinking process agreement on reparation will be less likely than before, and the world cannot wait until afterwards."

"What is the appropriate reparation? It has to come in all at once at the defined point, so much is certain. Our advisers have checked the stars and the fires and found that there is only one solution - it is to be a payment to people, not to states. We calculated it through - seven, maybe eight billion people, seven, maybe eight generations of loose fossil valves, if everyone in the world gets a monthly income of fossil revenues then the market price would make alternatives so attractive that people can swiftly readjust without pressure. The price of oil, gas and coal should be determined by reparations. When less is consumed we make it more expensive so we can ensure that reparations will be paid, and one day when mineral oil is only being used to reduce mechanic friction a regenerative economy will pay golden prices for it that still finance everyone a friction-less income that enables them to do whatever they want without risking their existence."

"All serious analysts now have understood that the Saudi spilling policy and its Western tools must be extinguished first for a climate breakthrough without a rush-through of this or that toxic asset to become possible at all. We broke the nuclear checkmate, if you donīt like that then you are free to throw the entire atomic chessboard. If there was climate agreement before nuclear disarmament then you would have vassal rush-through, just like in Europe between the breakdown of the Roman imperial security fence and the Crusades. Where we talk about solving problems, they talk about giving signals, apparently to exploit a rush-through rather than to prevent it. I propose the conference decides a resolution that keeping up Nato is incompatible with climate needs. Nato is an obstacle for Unitednations to find a common line on Saudi defiance. You might find a weasel whining about Al Saud once in a while, but we have to lead them towards pulling the plug of Nato. Just look at Natoīs origins and context and history. It is stuck in an illusion of unlimited energy, and only still there because Osama bin Laden gave it a free ride."

Mr. Ahmadinejad said he was once asked by his religious leader what he thought about the presidents of other countries. "I told him, in my speeches I occasionally dish out a rhetorical sweet for children only, like a teacher among unknown colleagues facing an audience. Then, when I hear some of my counterparts speak, I see they are licking their fingers for my work and have their faces smeared with it, while they defy any rational argument I made therein. Teachers use to do this to see whether the dumb are honest or not, because only the smart come close enough to them to check it directly. I told him that it is difficult to treat those colleagues as if they were on an equal eye-level. He said it was the same with his colleagues. The divine purpose of it is for children to be able to see from a distance who is a dumb liar. And enjoy the content if you like."

He was not receiving mail addressed to the Presidential office, the ex-President asked me to pass on. He added that all Unilever-related mail arriving there was forwarded to the defiant corporation: "Usually people write, I found this, have you seen this, what do you say about this. Well, ask Unilever as long as they are still there." Asked whether he had something to say about advertising contractors who might be unaware whether their product was consensual or non-consensual, he said: "What did your churches do when their views on abortion got unpopular? They came up with free dancing sessions for the unborn. Why canīt you improve your popularity without stepping on my feet?"