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Fiorina Pledges To Expand Honking Program

At a town hall meeting with hand-picked supporters in Vienna, New Mexico Republican Presidential candidate Carly Fiorina said if elected she would multiply the bipartisan efforts to silence political opponents. "I can picture Lendman from my car," she said. "And when he takes a deep breath I can push the button. And so can you. Yes, we can ddos-ize our individual opponents the same way we do against a True Korean Government Spokesperson." Fiorina said she planned to create any number of jobs required by her former employer.
Carly Fiorina
Carly Fiorina
"We did what we only can describe very smart as. Since our last candidate formally failed because the liberals openly swallowed our assassination policy and their candidate signed anything the agency put on its desk, killing the only competitive advantage of the conservative, this time we chose a different approach. I am not a ´cellphone candidate´ as the cartoonists would like to say, my agency put me through an agent-laundering program where I did consumer electronics management on anything but cellphones. So I do have a real cover job besides renaming my secret spying to public administration."

"Never before a national security woman brought it that far. And what brought me there is endless hours of hard work behind the steering wheel (actually 90% idling and 10% nonsense, the Editor). But even as I have climbed the ladder, I do not forget bread and salt for the rank and file agent at the bottom of the pyramid scheme. We will give you jobs while we sabotage your other opportunities, we will buy you cars while we castigate foreign competitors, and pay you wages while we are bleeding out your currency. Trust me, I am as you got to know me. Trump only speculates in money, we do with your lives."

The statement caused an uproar in external audiences, causing critics to say they would entirely abstain from giving any contributions to the ballot box, neither for expansionists nor for swallowers, even if that might make them targets of the discussed program. An environmental web campaigner texted: "Very very simple, let us become more conscious objectors than they can hire for it and it is done." But some critics described that approach as naive. It would only be true if the honks were to take a sportive attitude, but since the public honking attacks were only the tip of an iceberg of covert fraud it was an asymmetric situation.

I talked to Valentin Caspar Von Grimmelshausen, a commentator who says he has different focus preferences. VCVG, as he is being called by these familiar with his efforts, is often quoted with his saying that it was the agency´s own fault to attract his attention and become target of his research, said there were two major breakthroughs recently achieved on the issue, but that it was still decisive to introduce it with all due precaution to avoid "anyone including myself" getting irradiated.

"The first instances of nuclear scientists seeking refuge in embassies over what they described as ´psychological terror´ were still news items, but the now bipartisan failure to intimidate Iran had remarkable side-effects already in its early stages. The quoted makeshift description by an off-topic specialist, meant to trigger interdisciplinary investigation of an observation beyond its own expertise, already nails the centrepiece of the problem: The handling of stealth assassination threats masquerading as spontaneous bad behaviour must footnote the lesson on the banality of evil."

"But the specific topological challenge for me was to turn what once had taken others an immense effort to be designed as an one-way street into a bidirectional situation. Once you can decide whether it is the government telling you all it was missing to shoot you was a bullet that left no forensic evidence, or a human being in a car seeing a bouncing flashy playball cross the road, it becomes a great deal easier to handle."

"Our first results were banalities as well: The honks take no respect of disabled or ailing relatives, or even of the dead. It can happen everywhere regardless whether you relocate next to a nursing home or you are on your way to a family funeral. The most likely culprit in it is the person that never manages to step out of the shadow of its father. But our first scientific breakthrough came when we found a harassment situation targeting a married couple with a newborn. There it turned out that they would wake up the entire bloc whenever a feed that reached them went to tickle their greed."

"The expectation to beat negative feedback out of a situation is the single most important trigger of the behaviour. The words ´quiet hubby, it is sleeping´ were seducing them to emit noise not only to steal the sleep, but also because that would be expected to make you so angry over it that they would be uttered more often, resulting in ever more noise, less sleep and more anger, and so forth. You know, like in an old European witch hunt where you would have to prove your innocence by surviving drowning. When they smelled such opportunity they could not abstain from biting our hook."

"But what can it help to trigger something we do not want at all in the first place? It can only be used like the soldiers goose-stepping the bridge until resonance breaks it. So we can implement heuristics to approach that resonance. For that purpose there now is an open source micro-professor out in the public domain, allowing anyone to get rid of unsolicited bridges as easily as a dentist takes the calculus off your teeth. By bridges in this context we mean the efforts of the honks to get in lock-step with you as to make you get in lock-step with them. But that alone is not sufficient if you want yourself and your loved ones to catch some sleep."

"The second breakthrough was achieved when we found an instance of a cop being targeted by the program on the job. He was a counter-narcotics officer and with becoming a target his success rate increased so dramatically that his supervisors wanted to promote him. There the NS agency intervened with the police leadership and he was re-dispatched to supervise speeding cameras at the entrances of the town, where the program still gave him a high success rate but no promotion since a significant share of the bills was never paid. We realised how we could easily broaden the unintended consequences of the attacks so much that the honks would either stop in their own interest or wave their badges to someone with actual or putative influence on the target."

"Why is this a scientific breakthrough? We have learned that unrelated to our research there is a sort of junk science out there presumably circulated by the perpetrators themselves and with the only purpose to distract external observers. For example, you might find a paper on the speed re-dispatching case alleging that the program had been even more useless than in other instances, when the truth is that the same uselessness is just subject to much better visibility. We encountered fake research for the only purpose of collaterally suggesting its targets would have consented in being targeted which of course they did not."

"There were surveys covering only these who at some point developed a hostage syndrome declaring the side-effects of the latter to be the only effects of the program. We found medics who treated targets for illness Y until they got illness Z alleging that the program caused neither X nor Y. There were several bricks of studies the mere time to plough through would consume man-years for picking up nothing but the shallow assertion that people had always been angry and cars had been honking in traffic ever since people ceased yelling to the horses in their yokes. There´s loads of liars and hypocrites who have that much to lose from the shutdown of the program that they would rather come up with any tosh like that."

Grimmelshausen told me a personal experience to illustrate the seriousness of the issue. He had waited for a reporter in a cafe like the one where we talked, but the colleague did not appear to the appointment. When he finally paid the bill, there was an awful noise on the street, a horn with a tangential Doppler effect, and a heavy crash soon thereafter. "You can imagine how Moses might have felt facing the walls of water just before it would come to include the soldiers. I stepped out of the door, checked that there were sufficient witnesses to brief the first responders, which there were, and went away from the smouldering pile of debris down the road before any undertakers would arrive to mind my own business. Unimaginable what might have happened had I first gone to the counter and then downstairs to the toilets rather than the other way round."

He said the purpose of such independent research was to give people a rock-solid stepping stone to escape unpleasant surprises caused by the program, and that he saw a higher chance of success in depriving it of its payload than in confronting it with a theatrical benefit of the doubt. I asked VCVG what he saw as the distinctive feature of the NSA-H campaign. - "What kind of question is that meant to be? A Crocodile Hunting With A Sadhu question? Nothing can adapt so much to your space without understanding your true intent." - "So when it is not what the honks would like to walk you to, what is it that you really want?" - "Do you even need to ask? I like to do independent research on any subject matter of my choice, not just on honks playing teamball in my laboratory."

Grimmelshausen also said that the valley where he was hiding in a honk-proof shelter was threatened by climate change. "That enlarges a bit on it. The natural, rational, human thing would be for the honks to cease it and say sorry. But instead they seem to be wanting to bring about a second cosmic summer our species and most relatives would not come to survive." - "Is there anything else you would like to tell our readers?" - "From the fact that our awareness groups now have to apply waterproof tactics straight out of the lotus pond of antifascist resistance in the Papasian archipelago to appropriately retaliate against the regime honks you can see where the program belongs." I paid the bill and this time no strange incidents occurred.