Dear Whole Foods,
Some time ago, I was arrested at your store for shoplifting. The details of time, thefts and location will be left out of this letter so as to conceal my identity in a way that would incriminate me. I am writing to you because I was so upset at getting caught and the way in which you handled the situation. I just want you to know that no matter the costs of my legal issues that subsequently followed my arrest, those costs will never match up to the amount of money I have saved in the years that I have been eating free from your store. I have saved an incomparable amount of money in avoiding the check out line of your store over the years. Because your loss prevention agent was so upsetting to me, as well as the situation surrounding the consequences of getting caught, I will continue to gobble my way through thousands of dollars worth of your food that I will never pay for. I will continue to trespass on your property that I enjoy eating from. I do this because I hate capitalism and all that you stand for. I do this because land that your concrete stands on does not belong to you. I do this because of those lobsters you used to keep in the tank, for the stinky cheeses from exploited cows in your cheese section, for the free range meats who suffered and died at the hands of their oppressors in the name of your store and the bourgeois assholes who shop at your store to buy those meats. I steal from your store like no other, because you are fake liars of compassion and sincerity. You are union busters, you are disingenuous. You are cruel and so are your loss prevention agents, most of whom are inadequate in the grand scheme of things as I total up the spoils of my lifts. I just thought I would tell you this in an open and public letter. I just thought I would let everyone know that while you do have a plain clothes loss prevention agent wandering about your store most of the time, most of the time s/he is so very easy to avoid. I hope everyone shoplifts from you, Whole Foods, so they too may feel the joy and freedom of limitless and plentiful food that costs nothing. I hope your business suffers because of it, and I hope you enjoyed this anonymous letter. I'm going to go eat some vegan cake now.