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energy & nuclear | environment

New from the FDA

And those in America are at work to mitigate the Japanese disaster...(By the way, I'm advising up-front that this is satire, if anyone has any doubts.)
I heard the FDA is meeting today to set the minimum daily requirement for cease-ium and I-a-dine and will publish the findings as soon as they settle on the amount of radioactive materials available and divide that number by the population.

The FDA expects the final number to be designated 'sieverts' (whatever that is). Also planned is a discussion to simplify the nutritional accounting by doing away with those confusing prefixes to 'sievert' such as 'milli' and 'mini' and 'micro', while also doing away with the previous 'per hour' reckoning of uptake. "We need to devise a new terminology that Americans and the non-scientific can understand and to which they can relate," said one official. "Simplification will also facilitate labeling." The proposals are 'mini', to represent the minimum daily requirement that will be agreed upon in the discussions, and it's speculated that they will not recognize any designation of concentrations that exist today above 'sieverts', allowing a numerical prefix to suffice. "As long as that prefix doesn't get too large that the label is bigger than the product, we believe that all the informational needs will have been met. As of now, there is no proposal to differentiate between natural sources and whatever source our genetic and nuclear engineers devise. The FDA will revisit this if those sources become available."

In a side note, Monsanto, the agricultural giant that takes pride and some credit for the vast surplus of products that have made obesity so common in America, has announced that they are working dilligently (madly, actually) to genetically incorporate accomodation with the new standard, whatever value is chosen. In a published press release, the corporation noted the difficulties in obtaining naturally occurring radioactive genetic material to use in its recombination quest. "Seems that life didn't evolve a mechanism for absorbing nuclear material," the release opined. "Monsato, though, has led a concerted search for viral and bacterial sources. That search has not proven fruitful as yet. We at Monsanto remain confident and feel that, due to the abundance of nuclear material gathered and concentrated throughout the world and especially those concentrations in the waters off the northern coast of Japan, that we will be successful. It should be also noted that our Japanese affiliate recongnized instantly the opportunities presented by the Japanese population in this endeavor. We immediately applied for government assistance and have begun the effort to locate a human source. We continue, in earnest."

"As we work to find that natural source of the mandated requirement, a group within our orgainization has been given the task of assembling a source from scratch, though as of this date they've made little progress. We are also actively seeking partners in the nuclear power and the defense industies."

"Monsanto's committment to the world's health, in the glorious name of money, toxic overabundance, and to be known as the provider of the questionable sustainence of the world, we hope, will not fail."