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government | neighborhood news

Sam Adams to Radically Decentralize Portland

In a surprise move this morning, the mayor of Bridge City, apparently depressed and distraught, made a statement to his press secretary for immediate release:

"What's the point?" said Adams. "We've spent billions trying to improve the Portland area and we still have tree roots tearing up the concrete, weeds growing everywhere, and people throwing bricks through windows. We're wasting millions in repairs every year trying to fight a losing battle. I think it's better if we just let the inevitable happen and step aside gracefully while we still can. If the people want an overgrown junk heap of a city let them have it. Let them figure it out, I'm finished. I'll be cutting all infrastructure funding, relieving the police from service, and essentially giving the city to the people, effective immediately. Thank you all for your support and good luck with your city."
April fools.