Many of you have asked how I am doing, I am fine. This experience shows me that the courts are no longer a place to go to resolve issues like this, begs the question what is next? I believe this action by the judge has changed me in many ways, some I do not fully understand as of yet. The one change that happened in a furious outburst with our lawyers will be that I will never hold my reaction back when something awful happens in front of me. I should have stood up and told the judge he was not allowed to berate the city attorney in front of me, whom I did not know; I was the first coward in the courtroom! When we watch a person treating another person with contempt and disrespect and say nothing, we are cowards. The fact that I did not like the city representative does not allow me off the hook; I was a coward and said nothing. A good and noble fighter in this struggle asked me, "Are you mad at me or yourself?" That is a wonderful question and of course I handled it with more rage. After a few long nights of thinking, I now agree that I was furious with myself for allowing circumstances to dictate my value system. We must all respond to tyrants wherever we find them and no matter what the cost. That was where my anger should have gone, and what others do or don't do is their concern and not mine. I had an opportunity to make a statement but I "trembled" in the hopes of gaining something--a victory? The real test of my values was not when the judge came after me, but when he first acted in an unprofessional and nasty way towards the City Attorney's representative. That is the essence of the following concept:
"He came for the jury first and I said nothing, he came for the Defense Attorney and I said nothing, now the judge came for me and I expected others to protect me." (paraphrasing)** The thought is not new and you will recognize it in its many forms but it is one reason Americans watch the invasion and occupation of other countries and say nothing. All of it comes from the same cowardliness. So I apologize to those to whom I raised my voice and said things that I should have said in the mirror, does not mean I was wrong by calling you a coward, means it is up to you to face the fact and try to change.
I will continue fighting, but each morning I will start by looking back at the trial, the judge's bad behavior and ask myself, "Do you want to do this?" I will never hold my tongue again when I witness an injustice; so in a very strange way, the judge has given me a gift!
I have filed a complaint against the judge under ADA and intend to follow that up,(his outburst at me when I ask to go to the restroom) but mostly want to be a better person and not get side-tracked with things that an activist should never do like working within the system and hope for change, it is not going to happen. I believe all our systems are too corrupted; they need to fall and something else created in their place. Many people are trying to do just that and I will join that fight. On just a personal level, I have a doctor's appointment in a few days and have informed him that I will be pushing to get off oxygen, as I said in the courtroom I hate this limitation, even if it cuts down on my time here, I want to come off this dependency.
So, Roberto and Marilyn have been holding down the protest in front of 9th Circuit on Thursday, we should join them at high noon again and try to tell people about another bad judge who is also a war criminal, not just a jerk. Time to smile and keep moving.