Trash Can Troopers
If the local police are diving into your trashcans, perhaps you should help them out in their search for evidence. Here are some suggestions for all concerned citizens who want to help streamline police investigations and evidence gathering.
1. Do your civic duty as a neat and tidy citizen and always pick up trash you find on the streets during the day. Handle these items with care so as not to smudge any fingerprints that may be on them, and toss them into your trashcans. They will surely appreciate your efforts in helping them identify all those people.
2. Discard cigarette butts are unsightly and ugly when thrown on sidewalks, so always pick up as many as you can, and toss these into your trash cans. Each of the butts is a treasure trove of DNA samples, at several hundred dollars per test; the police will really look like they are accomplishing great deeds by testing such a large number of items. (let them worry about the funding)
3. Partially consumed foods left in dumpsters, at bus stops and other places are open invitations for rats and other vermin—so pick these up and throw them in YOUR trash cans. The police forensics DNA guy will love the work he will have testing all the saliva samples.
4. Don't let "Rover" and "Mittens" go unrepresented in your trash cans. Rover's old soup bones and Mitten's catnip clippings deserve to get tested too. Also, if some feces or urine happen to get into your trashcan, all the better, The lab techs needed a little change anyways.
5. When throwing any of YOUR OWN butts, hair, leftovers, or other objects that may leave DNA traces in the trash you must bleach YOUR items. Bleach destroys DNA and drug residues from samples, and you'll avoid wasting too much lab time or confusion over testing familiar items.
6. Wipe down all cans, bottles, containers, and plastics before tossing them out. You will help keep a neat and tidy treasure chest for the police to hunt in. If in doubt-- Bleach it out!
7. Always burn your old letters, documents and other mail if you can. At the very least, shred them well and then bleach them. Remember, a clean trash can is a happy trash can, and happiness is saving our tax dollars on dry-cleaning police uniforms.
8. Using a video camera to commemorate your trash can troopers is a must- they deserve all the credit they can get, and they deserve to be in the spotlight in full color, if possible.