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imperialism & war | prisons & prisoners

How Santa Claus busted Guantanamo

So be good for goodness sakes
To Cenk Ugyur

Santa knows when you've been sleeping and bad or good or whatever, so he's been keeping video files on Guantanamo for some time. Well, this year he got sick of getting shut out from all those boys, some of them really boys when they were abducted, as you know. I mean, it's bad enough that nobody uses chimneys in Cuba, but these guys were in cages, just teens some of them, and no way for Santa to get in there, not even a screen door left open as a courtesy. That just breaks ol' St. Nick's heart.

Santa knows if you've been good or what, and he knows most of the Guantanamo detainees were just sheep farmers who got sold down the road by frightened or greedy neighbors when the US invaded Afghanistan. So he has quite a backlog of presents for them. And enough is enough, really.

So this year he flew in low under the radar, and started picking the guys up in the sled. The guards were all celebrating in the mess hall, so it wasn't a problem, really. Corporal Sindiloo was supposed to be watching them but he was drunk; so Santa used a boltcutter (and the elves teamed up on the other boltcutters) to bust the locks, and then it was way-hey into the sleigh, and off over the Cuban waters.

Santa can make his sleigh real big if he wants, so he was able to share some of the presents on the way back to the guys' homeland. There were lots of DVD players and Honda generators and stuff, but some of the best presents were legal dossiers complete with those video records of the US guards defiling the Koran and stomping the prisoners whenever they felt like it. The video was for the international human rights lawyers that Santa's elves had been calling all year.

Well you can imagine how happy everyone's mother and sister and wife and stuff were to see the boys back and some nice booty on top of it. You can bet there was some coal sitting around the PX at Gitmo that next morning, too, all of it in smelly socks with nails in the ribbing. Santa had a good laugh over that, but he's willing to go back to chocolates and new watches for all the US guards that will commit to revolutionary overthrow of the fascist regime. There's a reason Santa dresses in Red, you know.