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The Octopus of Tehran

and other stories


I don't spam very often, perhaps two or three times a decade, because I know that if there is one thing that people really hate is spam, but in this case I feel that perhaps the spamming concept might be used for some good purpose instead of just being a worthless pain in the ass as is typically the case. Since the pen is mightier than the sword, and since I am completely destroying a very dangerous entrenched nest of international terrorists who have taken over a modern nation state, that means that given how terrorists operate, I am probably not long for this world, and when a person is not long for this world, suddenly they might decide to really piss people off by spamming them, so that enraged people can dump spam into garbage cans. I am fighting against the Islamic religious right, and I think we all know what that means, or at least we should. It turns out that sometimes you do have to drop dead to get people to listen, which is why Americans, as one example, are having such a grave national crisis, and they don't seem to think it is quite that grave, because they don't listen to anyone who tells them just how very dangerous and grave this situation really is. Once someone gets stabbed to death with a pen by an international terrorist, suddenly that pen becomes a sword, even if it isn't quite the sword it should be write now, since it only seems to write things that people chuck into garbage cans. Therefore I have decided that it is worth it for me to continue to furiously piss off the international terrorists and become a martyr so that finally my pen can become a sword instead of just writing garbage all the time.

While I await my eventual doom I thought that for a refreshing change of pace I would try to get back my sense of humor, and write some things that were either funny, or perhaps at the very least, sardonic. I want everyone to know that I went to my martyrdom in a very good mood.

So therefore given the gravity of the current international situation, people are getting spammed everywhere I can think of spamming someone, and before anyone who gets spammed real good decides to complain about spam I thought I would remind you that this is spam and that means that everyone is getting some and so given that is not just you, and you alone, who are getting spammed, you shouldn't take it personally.

The Hatfields and the McCoys

You might have heard about the famous feud between the Hatfields and the McCoys. Apparently the Hatfields gunned down the McCoys duck and so the McCoys retaliated by gunning down some Hatfield chicken, and the whole thing just escalated from there.

This does remind a person of how they do politics in America, where instead of having a civil discussion about issues, they have a feud with shotguns, the whole idea being that if a Hatfield has a policy, and you gun down that Hatfield, well so much for that fucking Hatfield policy. Apparently issues and policies are the sorts of things that go away and then disappear when people go away and disappear. Unfortunately both the Hatfields and McCoys continue to breed and so it always seems there is one more person to bring back that policy which means that there is always someone to pump full of hot lead.

It also means that no Hatfield can ever have a McCoy policy, not because it was a bad policy, but rather because it was a McCoy policy. Now there is nothing saying that sometimes a McCoy policy might not be worth having around, being just a vulture, and so one might expect a Hatfield to pump a McCoy vulture full of hot lead, and that wouldn't be a surprise, but this being a Hatfield, the gunfire wouldn't stop there until finally, at long last, the fucking McCoy as gunned down for raising vultures.

Not all policies are vultures, and some could be ducks, but if you were to visit the Hatfield home you would find McCoy vultures and McCoy ducks all pumped full of red hot lead and hanging by their feet from the Hatfield trophy room. If you were to ask a Hatfield why they hung up the McCoy ducks alongside all those McCoy vultures, they would say, 'Isn't it obvious. It was a McCoy duck.'

Thje Ayatollah

There are those who would say that this nest of gangsters holed up in Tehran should have had their state strangled in its crib at birth, instead of having the thing turn into an octopus with tentacles now wrapped around the entire planet. The second that Ayatollah Khomeini stepped onto the scene and then all the mass murder of every known opponent of that old Ayatollah began, that should have been a sign that since war was inevitable from that day forward, perhaps it would have been a good idea to have a war right on the spot when something like that is first spotted on the surface of the planet. It would spare the planet the problem of now being wrapped in all those octopus tentacles, for the Ayatollah was not growing arms back in those very earliest days because he was to busy with his massacre, and thus how ever many arms he had were all tied up that time.

As for that Ayatollah, just one look at the man should have been enough to alert the Iranians that there stood a not very nice man, and that perhaps he was not the one to 'liberate' Iran from the hands of the Shah. I was going to say that the old Ayatollah had a face that only his mother could love, but even she probably didn't care much for it.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

I have followed the events in Iran every single day for years now, since I knew that the day when a big war would erupt between Iran and the United States was on the horizon, since that was so very obvious. When someone is putting straws onto a camels back, and is real persistent, then even if it does take one hell of long time, sooner or later the camel's back will break.

You may have heard of Roosevelt's first 100 days. It is during the opening days of an administration when the tone and pattern for the rest of that administration are established. When Mahmoud Ahmadinejad first appeared on the scene I was trying to figure him out, and of course being an Iran watcher every single day, I was interested in seeing how his first 100 days turned out so I could get some kind of an idea of what to expect for the next 100 days and the next after that and the next after that.

I can still remember the cold chill of dread that swept over me and the sense of deep shock and horror when at the beginning of his administration Mahmoud Ahmadinejad executed two adolescent boys by hanging them in front of a crowd of Islamic Religious Right fanatics down at some town square. There crime was that they were doing what young kids sometimes do, you know the human thing, playing doctor. Even now the cold wave of dread and horror still washes over me whenever I think of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his first 100 days. You know, when a politician firms up his political base by executing two terrified kids in front of a crowd of obviously warp minded weirdos this gives you some kind of an idea of the cold ruthless calculations you can expect from such a character in every other 100 days he had since then, and in the 100 or less days that he himself might have to live as of today, just depending on how soon the end really is coming for him.

When I saw Mahmoud Ahmadinejad I thought to myself, after getting over the waves of horror that greeted his arrival on the world scene, 'isn't he interesting.' Apparently the end was near. This turned out to be quite true as Iranian bomb parts started showing up in Iraq, as just one example of the ruinous and reckless policies pursued by this man, which really are in keeping with the reckless abandon he displayed in his first 100 days, and so no surprise there.

Just recently our nations Church Leaders returned from their peaceful mission to Iran, and they reported that they were so very impressed by their visit with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, for you see, the man has many lovely qualities. He is remarkably intelligent and very well informed and easy to get along with and he really impressed them by not being the crazed fanatic they had heard so much about. Now having listened to that crazed fanatic everyday for years, and heard him carrying on about the final ruinous collapse of America and that the day of the defeat of George Bush was already a done deed and also watching those Iranian bomb fragments showing up in Iraq after blowing American troops to Kingdom Come, I found myself wondering if our Church Leaders just don't follow the news very closely. While I would imagine that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was on his best behavior when being very intelligent and erudite when visiting with church leaders he certainly was a wildly reckless nut while he was on the job as President of that nut house where the lunatics, it would seem, are in charge of the asylum.

Perhaps our church leaders don't follow the news as closely as I do, thus causing them to think that such a wildly reckless fanatic was actually a really intelligent guy. I heard something just lately about an arrest of 80 gay men found in a house having a party and this caused me to wonder if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was planning on hanging all 80 at once, or whether he wanted 80 so he could please the wild mobs who come to watch public executions of sex criminals by killing perhaps two a week for the rest of the year.

Given how terrified young boys must have been to have been publicly humiliated by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as they tried their hardest, perhaps, to be brave as their young lives were ruthlessly and brutally destroyed because they could not stop playing with their penises, I thought that I would build a gallows myself, and now I will sit back and see how Mahmoud Ahmadinejad handles a death sentence. Now he can become like all those prisoners who sit in dungeons waiting for their final doom. Perhaps they did something with their dicks and now its judgment day. We will see how Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the rest of those Mullahs hold up under the stress of an approaching date with their doom as they sit inside their gloomy dungeon there in Tehran waiting for the bloody ax to fall. Serves the fuckers right.

Yes, our church leaders were quite impressed by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and they said that they were going to go around the country telling people about it so that we could all get along. That's so nice, and so very churchy. Very touchy feely. I would suppose that this might mean that our Church leaders are some of those sheep like good souls who just cannot believe that anyone could be really, really, extra, extra bad. You know, the type who think that Frankenstein was a rather unattractive but otherwise nice guy. The alternative would be to believe that our Church leaders are such rebellious shits that they actually would be found chumming around with Hitler if they thought such a thing might piss off God. I find that idea hard to comprehend and so I must believe that they are the sheep like types who could get themselves and everyone else shorn and then skinned and turned into lamb chops should they decide to do the good deed by rallying the nation with the peaceful cry right in the middle of some drive to some naughty war.

Really, couldn't this all just be solved with some of that bridge building. We could build a bridge to Tehran. That might not a bad idea, because given that Iran was a dictatorship there might be some people in Iran who would like a bridge so they could just leave that place by walking all the way over the Atlantic using that bridge to America, and then they would not have to live with those tyrannical Mullahs in Iran anymore. For this reason building bridges to Tehran might actually be considered a human rights issue, and if our church leaders wanted to do something really nice which would bring more justice to the planet they might want to promote bridge building not as a peace initiative but rather as a human rights issue. They might also want to build a bridge to any other spot on the planet that might be to a Mullah's liking thus allowing those Mullah's to give up power and leave Tehran, and that would also be an acceptable solution.

Shot Across the Bow

It has been said that the pen is mightier than the sword., and so I thought I would pick one up, since I was looking for something that would do one hell of a lot more damage than a sword, because, you see, I am just that pissed off about this whole sorry situation. In this way I could get a head start on the 'war on terrorism', and then, if it turned out that they were really dumb fucks who still remained holed up like Al Capone surrounded by the FBI, well then later on you Americans could unload your multi-multi-trillion-trillion gun with the laser targeting system and blow them to Kingdom Come,. After all that pen damage this would just be like sweeping up a mess already made on the kitchen floor. However for some damned reason it was still necessary to blow the bastards sky high just to make the point perfectly clear..

Now because pens are so powerfully destructive and do the most damage when I began totally destroying those dumb peckerheads, there was this brief flurry of terrorist activity around the world. There is a name for this. It is called the shot across the bow. As well, by making that brief flurry of terrorist activity international in scope, and selecting a few countries here and there, the point that those Mullahs in Tehran were trying to make is that they are like an octopus with tentacles that are now wrapped around the world, with the main difference between a real octopus and that Octopus in Tehran, is that the one in Tehran has one hell of a lot more than eight arms.

Those few arms the Octopus from Tehran put briefly on display during the beginning of the propaganda assault were just a few of its arms and it has many more arms, since it has had about three decades to grow more arms and thus stretch new arms out to new countries. This is how an octopus like that one remains safe. It wraps its tentacles around the entire planet and then threatens to squeeze if it is disturbed. Like an octopus I have also noticed that it is capable of releasing clouds of ink to act as an effective smokescreen, and this tactic must work, because it would seem that most people do not see the Octopus, hidden by ink as it was, and thus they are very strongly against a war that would be required to get that thing to drop dead and thus let go of the planet.

I noticed those few arms the octopus displayed right away and so did the White House which is why the Bush administration responded to the waving of those few octopus arms in those few selected regions of the world by slipping out that latest Caesar decree which states that when the country gets nailed by an Octopus Bush becomes Caesar. This happened just a few days ago, as I am writing this. This is standard practice for that octopus, in that whenever it is feeling disturbed it waves some arms and the politicians of the world have learned that the best thing to do is to just forget about giving that octopus any more reason to become cranky and start waving arms around in warning. Things then settle down pretty quick, and so most people do not notice that there is an octopus out there waving its arms in warning. Those small octopus arm waves are messages being sent to politicians as well as warnings to those who might pick up a pen and write things down about an octopus that an octopus would not like.

The Octopus

Now that old Mother Hubbard in Tehran went to the cupboard and when she got there the cupboard was bare except for that Spanish strategy of doing some real good terrorism, and thus scaring people into jumping ship. That is the deal. You behave, and those Mullahs in Tehran will leave you alone. If you misbehave they will wave some octopus tentacles, preferably on an international scale, just to remind you that this is in fact an international octopus, and that it can therefore wave tentacles at random locations around the globe whenever it wants to send out that dangerous signal so familiar to politicians and media reporters, who also have learned to associate octopus arm waving with such and such an event.

The octopus never vigorously waves its arms and it never waves dozens of arms at once, preferring to wave just a few arms and waving them just a little, not to much, just a little, and then the waving will quickly stop. You see, while politicians and journalists know about the octopus of Tehran, that pus would rather that the people in their countries not recognize an octopus as being an octopus, but rather that they should see nothing through that cloud of ink put out by that pus. The reason for this strategy is that the octopus knows that if you, the people, are told about an octopus and how bad the situation really is, you will assume that once again someone is trying to trick you into going along with dirty plot by using spin doctoring upon you and twisted or invented facts, and so therefore if the octopus just does not wave to many arms at once and does not wave those arms to vigorously, and thus does not give to much away, an octopus can still send messages to politicians, journalists, and propaganda pen pushers, while still remaining underneath the radar of the general population. If someone tries to tell the general population about that arm waving, and if octopus arm waving was a McCoy issue, you can be sure that you will find that messenger pumped full of red hot lead and then planted six feet under along with all the other McCoys bumped off in that feud known as American politics.

The octopus knows all about the Hatfields and the McCoys, and so therefore it doesn't do vigorous arm waving so as to keep hidden from view so that if a McCoy brings up the octopus of Tehran, that McCoy will be pumped full of a volley of red hot lead by an infuriated Hatfield, who knows for damn sure that McCoy is up to no good with that damnable story about an octopus doing a small arm waving, so as to avoid being seen by that Hatfield clan.

You see it is a very smart octopus and it exploits every angle of every situation, and it knows how little trust you have in any institution in your society, and so it adapts its strategy accordingly so that your politicians become paralyzed and the octopus survives to grow more and more of those tentacles.

The meaning of that octopus arm waving is quite clear. If you don't behave they do terrorism upon you. For example, they are threatening me with martyrdom. That is what was meant by that small arm waving which followed my opening volleys of pen destruction. They sent that shot across the bow, as a threat and by making it international in scope, they were also demonstrating that they have at least one octopus arm in my country as well, and perhaps more than one, although just one would be enough to do that job. George Bush responded to that slight arm waving with a new Caesar decree, that to paraphrase it states that when the octopus strikes America, Bush becomes Caesar. This demonstrates that politicians know very well what that slight arm waving on that thing means. Now I would like you to know it, the general public, although I know that you don't believe anything anyone tells you anymore, which is the price of a lot of past bad conduct that is now coming back to haunt journalists and politicians today, who are almost crippled when trying to handle a crisis situation.

If you compare the timing of the Bush decree about terrorism to that brief spate of terrorism you will notice that in one week there was that brief flurry of international terrorism and then after a delay of a few days there was the Bush decree. This is an indication of the power of the mighty pen, for that octopus only did that arm waving a few days after that pen started to work as a sword employed against that octopus. So then the pattern was, pen used as sword on octopus, followed by a couple of days, then some small international octopus arm waving, followed by a few days, and then the Bush terrorism decree. It you, of the general public, noticed this pattern, that means that you saw the octopus in action, possibly for the first time in your life. If you say, 'why was I not told about that octopus of many arms', the problem is that if someone told you, you would not believe them, and rather you would suspect they were up to no good, and so therefore there is no point in even trying to tell you, for who the hell wants to wade into the middle of that ceaseless gun battle and that endless furious feud between the Hatfields and the McCoys that you people call political action.

Octopus Ink

Now the octopus practices terrorism, and that does not work on me, and I just keep right on writing about that pus until I either achieve martyrdom, thus exposing the octopus to a skeptical public, and as martyrs always do, firing up the drive for war with that pus, or the second possibility is that I escape martyrdom for a time, while the octopus attempts to live as long as possible. This would of course mean that an octopus will once again be provoked to fury by being awoken in the morning by being stabbed in the ass end by a pen, never a pleasant experience I am sure, and so I would imagine that, say, tomorrow the octopus will once again be plotting my martyrdom. I am sure that it must be a new experience for that octopus to be reading about itself and getting some atrocious ink because typically it would be the case that the octopus would do that arm waving if it got to much bad ink, politicians and journalists would immediately notice the arm waving of that pus, and that would put a stop to that bad ink problem.

Because that octopus has so many arms our politicians have learned to behave and just let that thing grow and grow, and even whole nations, such as Spain, have learned to let that octopus do whatever it wants while it continues to grow more arms and constantly plots to become a much bigger octopus, and perhaps even an octopus with more than one head to go along with all those arms. Perhaps it could grow another head in Pakistan. The possibilities are endless, and if that octopus manages to defeat America by having the Americans pull out of Iraq without first pulling the brains right out of the octopus in Tehran, then the sky really is the limit for that glorified and highly celebrated octopus, for a world famous octopus that defeated the mightiest military machine on earth is bound to be overthrowing states and growing at least a few more heads to go along with all those arms, and then more arms once it has the resources of another state at its disposal. Then it will be back to more plotting for more states, for there never has been a time when that octopus has not been planning some damned way to destabilize more states and become popular in more states so it could take over and spread by growing a few more heads.

If you leave the octopus alone it will leave you alone. If you write really destructive things about that pus, it will wave its arms, and I say that thing can wave every damn arm it has and I will come up with something funny the next day. Well, I would, unless I didn't have a next day, because I would have finally been squeezed to death by one of those international tentacles growing out of that thing. Remember this is the International Terrorist Mafia we are talking about here, so that is a very real possibility, and if you think not, then I suppose I really do have to become a martyr because you are so far gone and no one can tell you anything, so I suppose that in the end it will turn out that I was forced to speak to you from the grave. Hopefully you listen to the dead, because you do not listen to the living, as I have found to my frustration. I would prefer to continue to pick up a pen and thus become a martyr because I know just how bad that octopus really is, and perhaps in this way I can inspire our troops when the time comes to beat the brains out of that thing.

Now if you behave, and leave Iraq nicely, the octopus will not squeeze your country with its tentacles, but rather it will wait until it grows big enough and has a nice nuclear umbrella to protect the soft spot on its head, in which case it will become a real fucker of an octopus. In that case, all bets are off. You leave the octopus alone and let it grow lots of arms and get nuclear weapons and that thing will not terrorize you. Perhaps it might do that arm waving thing at your politicians from time to time, just to send a signal that it is displeased about some damn thing or another, but that would be about it. But always remember, when you are under threat by a terrorist octopus that this deal also works both ways, for if those Mullahs in Tehran behave, then at least for a brief delaying interval, they might have a hope in hell of being left alone and not being blown to fucking Kingdom Come any sooner than might otherwise have been the case. Therefore, remember, that you must always terrorize a terrorist octopus, thus evening out the score. Also remember that in the end you can destroy that octopus but that pus can only damage you, so really, if you use your brains, you would understand that the one who should be terrified is not you, but rather the octopus.

Old Mother Hubbard

Given the volatility of the situation one just never knows if that Old Mother Hubbard in Tehran might not go to that cupboard and finding only that one Spanish bone in the cupboard under the sink, might not decide to risk tossing a poor dog a bone just to see if perhaps that strategy might work just one more time. Perhaps that tossed bone might work on Americans just as it worked on Spaniards.

The problem she has when tossing bones around is that the dog is hardly a poor dog but is rather like a very bad tempered pit bull and such pit bulls do tend to rather like busting bones in their teeth, and can often be found sitting and waiting for Old Mother Hubbard to toss a bone so that there would be something for that pit bull to sink its teeth into.

You can see the strategic problem facing Mother Hubbard, and so she really must stop and think about that bone throwing business. Does she want to give that pit bull something to bite into? Thinking slows her down, and so I recommend that you always keep her thinking, thinking, thinking all the time.

If old Mother Hubbard from Tehran is stupid enough to toss bones, you should not be intimidated, but rather you should be furiously pissed off, yes, you should be in one fucking big hell of hurry to dispatch that old bitch into the murky depths of Kingdom Come. There she can explore the after life and if she is every bit as religious as she claims to be she won't mind going, but she would be looking forward to the trip, having spent her whole life getting ready to leave on that journey after all.

The problem confronting Old Mother Hubbard is that she only has bones in the house and thus can only throw bones, which would then become her last, or perhaps second or third last day on earth, just depending on how long it took for her to be sent packing to the World of Kingdom Come.

Yes that terrorist threat to toss a bone is a problem for Old Mother Hubbard. However all she has is bones, and the alternative to that bone throwing strategy would be to do nothing at all. Doing something is better than doing nothing at all, and since all she has is bones in the house, we must expect her to sooner or later start throwing bones. There are only a few variations on that bone throwing strategy, such as under-hand, over-hand, or perhaps she could make it spin like a boomerang and there are also variations on where a tossed bone might land, but other than these variations there are very few real variations in that bone tossing strategy, since it always just involves tossing a bone. Therefore I would expect tossed bones sooner or later.


Now given that all Old Mother Hubbard has in the entire house is some worthless and good for nothing bones, and given how she has to do something even though that bone tossing might not be such a good idea, this leads me to suspect that she will be up to something else, since the alternative is nothing at all and that is not a strategy and she needs a strategy, yes, she needs a strategy right now very, very badly. Therefore I would expect that Old Mother Hubbard will be searching under the cushions of the couch to see if something other than some useless bone might have fallen under the seat cushions. She will be rifling through the boxes in the closet. She will be busy.

Just today, according to Old Mother Hubbard, when she was checking under the cushions in the couch, and moving furniture away from the wall to check behind furniture, suddenly she came up with a 'peak' nuclear strategy. I don't know what she means by a peak nuclear strategy, unless she means that suddenly she found so damn many nukes that she peaked the rest of the world. I can see how maybe she found one nuke under the seat cushions and one behind the divan, but how she could ever reach her peak nuclear capacity on such short notice she has not yet made clear.

I draw two conclusions from this. Perhaps Old Mother Hubbard has found a nuke or two, perhaps Kim Il Sung gave her one or two. That could be her strategy. Get nukes. The second possibility is that her strategy is to claim that she got nukes, thus scaring the fuck out of everyone, while actually she didn't have nukes, but was hoping that everyone thought she did, which might be almost as good. If true it would make for an interesting strategy, and whether or not she can become a nuclear power just by claiming to be one remains to be seen. Even if there are doubts that she has gone nuclear and is now in fact, peaking, there is always that ambiguity, and I would suppose that ambiguity couldb e a strategy as well.

I thought I might make a suggestion about how to deal with Old Mother Hubbard and her nuke, assuming that she has one and is not, once again, telling lies, just as she was telling lies when she said she didn't want a nuke because nukes were immoral. Let us assume that she had a nuke, and worse still, she actually used a nuke on something. My advice would be that rather than turning tail and running, the correct strategy would be to just continue ahead with that strategy of targeting her with pin point accurate laser devices and then just carry right on with blowing her brains out of her head, which suggests that her nukes do not lead to a change of strategy but only lead to having her brains blown out of her head at a much more urgent speed, for you know that once some senile Old Mother Hubbard chucks even so much as one nuke she gets targeted by about ten more lasers than would have really been necessary just to make damn sure that she gets sent to explore the land of Kingdom Come in one hell of a big hurry. The main difference then of having Old Mother Hubbard tossing a nuke instead of tossing a bone is that given all the extra lasers thrown into that job just to make fucking for damn sure is that the final bill tallying the expenses of that operation would go up, since each laser costs a certain amount, and although ten lasers was ten times as expensive, it was required that we be absolutely fucking certain that we nailed the old bitch and in one hell of big hurry.

So to summarize then, her nuclear strategy brings two consequences in that it is more expensive and also gets everyone moving in one hell of a big hurry. If she tossed that nuke that must have meant that she was resigned to her fate and thus decided to toss a nuke on the world on her way out through the door to Kingdom Come. Call it one last act of defiance, I must assume.