Bush Family: Traditional Christian Family Values
Typical Christian Republican family values.
Writing bogus prescriptions, smoking marijuana and cigarettes,
flashing their beavers in a foreign country, stripping naked and
falling down drunk in public, hiding crack-cocaine in their Jimmy
All a day in the life of Jen and Barbi - "Classy" first daughters...
by Peter Thompson
A Chronicle of Upper-Crust Bad Apples
The dirty-debutante daughters of President George W. Bush are trying
to live up to their scandalous family name, but will anyone take them-
or their fellow hard-partying cousins seriously?
Early in 2001, with the Bush clan still intoxicated from the U.S.
Supreme Court's installation of George W. as President, the family's
booze-addled swagger had clearly been passed to a younger generation.
Over a two-month period that spring, one of his twin daughters-good-
time girl Jenna-was reported to be a spliff freak by the tabloids, got
popped by the cops in Austin, Texas, for boozing as a minor and then
was busted again for presenting another person's ID when carded by a
"Jenna Gone Wild" made headlines just as the Bushes were coming into
their own as a seriously moneyed political dynasty-American royals,
like the Kennedys, only with slightly smaller heads. As with many of
our nation's "most exclusive" families, the allegations of
improprieties by the Bush brood are drawn from a seemingly
inexhaustible trove of legal transgressions, shady business dealings,
gross self-seeking and a pathological, almost-ferocious arrogance.
>From family patriarch Prescott Bush's World War II business
interactions with the Nazis to his oily grandson Neil Bush, the
horseshit coming from the family compound in Kennebunkport quickly
reaches critical mass and becomes a rich genetic fertilizer. The
fertilizer works. In addition to the usual Bush stems and twigs (such
as Florida Governor Jeb Bush's sons, George P. "The Cross-Eyed
Charmer" Bush and Jeb Jr.), actual flowers begin to bloom on the
Jeb begets a daughter named Noelle. Fraternal twins Jenna and Barbara
are born to Laura and George W. Bush, and shady, dyslexic Neil Bush-
who cost American taxpayers around a billion dollars with his
Silverado S&L scam-somehow produces future Tommy Hilfiger model
Lauren, unofficial owner of the title "The Most Beautiful Bush in the
World." (Leave it to Neil Bush to swear, in a messy divorce
deposition, that he didn't know that the Asian hoochies who appeared
nightly at his door during Far East business trips to have sex with
him were, in fact, prostitutes.)
Of all the granddaughters of skydiving President George Herbert Walker
Bush and his silver-haired, wrinkled-necked wife Barbara, the four
oldest girls most eagerly follow the signs toward Easy Street as they
make their official debuts into the lofty lairs of leisure promised by
their last name. The Bush dynasty and its reputation lie squarely in
the palms of almost-pudgy blonde Jenna; her fraternal twin, blue-eyed,
elfin-faced brunette Barbara; nappy-headed, dark-hearted Noelle; and
picture-perfect Lauren, former intern and extra on the fatuously
celebrated TV show Friends-collectively, the Axis of Estrogen.
Whether the cruel cosmic joke of a cold, conspiring universe, or
merely a huge fucking coincidence, The Complete Idiot's Guide to
Parenting a Teenager was being pushed to press right around the time
George W.'s twin daughters, and prospective socialites, were
overrunning the delta of young adulthood.
Taking for granted that children are the most honest reflection of
their parents available, things start to come into focus-in a fun-
house-mirror sort of way. As a teenager trying to rise into the
dizzying stratum of Lone Star State high society herself, Dubya's
future wife skipped the pomp and circumstance of traditional
formality, fancy gowns, balloons and cotillions. Instead, still known
as Laura Welch, she made her mark speeding through a stop sign on Farm
Road 868 out of Midland, Texas.
Flying through the intersection in Daddy's car, she T-boned a popular
classmate named Mike Douglas, his neck snapping like a chilled carrot
on impact. Ironically, this stunt gave Laura Bush-to-be more confirmed
kills (one) than Dubya had in his F-102 while flying dozens of sorties
over the dangerous skies of Texas for the Air National Guard during
the Vietnam War.
Because Laura was such a pretty, well-poised debutante, the whole mess
was brushed under the heirloom rug, and no charges were filed. It was
quite a ghastly experience and reportedly "quite crushing" for the
eventual queen bee at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. But what an entrance!
Of course, what's good for Her Highness is good for the princesses.
Most of the media treats the Bush girls like sacred cows (no offense,
Jenna), even respecting First Lady Laura's wishes that the twins not
be photographed. "They would be totally embarrassed," she reports. So
for hubby's term in office, most of the press jig around the precious
saplings like Michael "Lord of the Dance" Flatley tiptoeing in a
pediatric burn ward.
Deeply impressed by the impact of their mom's unforgettable splash,
the twins begin to plot their own memorable debuts down the A-list
celebrity fun-chute. On March 20, 2001, Jenna gets a little help from
the Enquirer when it reports that the toothily wholesome, robustly
healthy blonde might be a pothead. Noelia Rodriguez, Laura Bush's
press secretary, neither confirms nor denies the allegation: "Our
position on the daughters is that they're private citizens."
Hardly the social sensation she had hoped for, Jenna soon tries again.
On April 27, 2001, she is busted for underage drinking at a Sixth
Street bar in Austin (normally a class-B misdemeanor warranting a trip
to jail). Unfortunately for her, she is quickly whisked away by her
taxpayer-funded baby-sitters in a black SUV. Can't a girl catch a
Four weeks later Jenna is blithely busted again at a Tex-Mex eatery
called Chuy's-this time for using someone else's driver license to
obtain tequila shots and margaritas. Not only is poor Jenna again
denied the opportunity to become an upwardly mobile Bush debutante,
but her blue-eyed, better-looking twin Barbara is also arrested and
escorted into the safety of the Secret Service detail. Getting most of
the press, Barbara upstages Sis!
But if a picture is worth a thousand words, then Jenna did manage to
score a tabloid epic with a now-infamous photograph of her literally
falling to the floor with an equally toasted female friend. Apparently
snapped at a college rager, Jenna's blotto face is beaming as she
holds fast to a cigarette as she topples over her pal in some great,
impromptu girl/girl action.
American Media, Inc. bought the sensational photo strictly for one-
time publication, but when HUSTLER expressed interest in reprinting
it, a surreal story became even more bizarre. An American Media
employee said the photo had proved even too hot for the tabloid
publisher and that it would be too "dicey" assisting this magazine in
obtaining the image. The media company even refused to reveal the name
of the photographer who'd provided the shot of Jenna.
Sober, the twins seem to always have their arms folded in pictures, as
if the fact that someone is gazing at them makes them chilly. "It's
not fair!" they cry. "Daddy's day job is cramping our style!" The
girls' feigned misery is a far cry from that of some other kid their
age who's just watched a softball-sized piece of screaming shrapnel
tear through his abdomen while he's out in a distant desert looking
for weapons of mass destruction.
After all, the Bush twins did everything right: They went to the right
private schools. They wear expensive, hip clothes and stiletto-heeled,
knee-high Jimmy Choo boots. They treat their Secret Service details,
those highly trained men and women who literally would take a bullet
for them, like three-day-old dogshit. They have a Hollywood posse at
the ready. They have trust funds and freedom from any of the problems
normal people face a thousand times every day. All that is actually
required of them is that they poop, when necessary. Some Presidential
staffer is likely there to wipe them.
Yet these two drink-crazed divas still manage to see themselves as
victims of their situation. Nothing they can do will ever measure up
to the family name. No matter how showy the charities, how mediocre
their careers, they will interminably be lock-stepped in a kind of
lower living purgatory usually reserved for ex-child stars on some
kind of pension.
Barbara, a recent Yale graduate, plans to intern in a pediatric AIDS
program at Houston's Baylor College of Medicine. Once the former
humanities major gets another sheepskin, she may even end up touring
Third World countries, grinning her way through photo-ops amid
shriveled, dirt-eating natives whose most nutritious meal in the past
month was the HIV virus itself. Still, the privileged brats can't turn
those little sparks of publicity into full-blown Bush wildfires. The
twins allegedly smoke dope at Ashton Kutcher's apartment, party with
P=2E Diddy and are adored by billionaire playboy/serial-killer hunks
like Iraq's now-deceased Uday (son of Saddam) Hussein; yet their
misdemeanors are still seen as "hijinks," their felonies "goof-ups."
They get no respect!
Since turning 21, the two bushy-tailed social bunnies have blossomed
into night owls, having been spotted at nearly every watering hole
from Seattle to Maine, reportedly belly-dancing at a posh Manhattan
hangout, getting their swerve on with smarmy South American heirs in
Florida, and playing pool with hairy-knuckled, trucker-hat-wearing
faux yokels in Aspen. Table-dances at a strip club followed by
twilight polo matches in the Hamptons? Sure. But it's not going to
give a girl the street cred she needs in this family.
Not so for the twins' social-climbing, apparently Geri-curled cousin
Noelle. It is around 1:15 a.m. on January 29, 2002. Just months after
successfully steering through the rigorous curriculum of Tallahassee
Community College, Noelle Bush-the only daughter of Governor Jeb Bush
and his Mexican-born wife Columba-drives up to a Walgreen's looking to
score some Xanax. The only problem? The prescription fails to say just
how much Xanax. The phone number on the prescription turns out to be
for a second phone line at her dwelling. Also, the prescribing doctor
hasn't practiced in the area for years. The President's niece is
arrested for prescription fraud.
"A very serious problem" for the Jeb Bushes, who immediately "ask the
public and the media to respect our family's privacy during this
difficult time." Noelle's mug shot reveals a cracky void in her eyes,
as if she's been awake for two weeks straight, living in some half-
carpeted van, huffing diesel-powered drug-farts through a hose.
Prescription fraud is a serious crime, especially for someone who's
had prior brushes with the law. According to the Associated Press, a
female named Noelle Bush (with the exact birthday as Jeb's daughter)
was busted for shoplifting at an Arizona mall. Some coincidence!
Luckily it wasn't her. At any rate, this obviously wasn't the same
mall where her brother Jebby was busted by cops for sexual misconduct
(screwing a floozy "with his socks on" in a steamed-up Jeep Cherokee)
and then released without consequence.
Sent to the Center for Drug-Free Living instead of prison, Noelle soon
discovers that being drug-free ain't exactly living. On September 9,
2002, an employee named Julia Elias discovers 0.2 grams of crack
hidden in Noelle's shoe. Interestingly, the very night before this
discovery, the Orlando police had received an anonymous call about a
"princess" at the rehab facility who'd been caught buying crack "at
least five times," but not punished.
After a lot of legal wrangling over privacy laws, a judge blocks
police from questioning the employee who'd found the crack, citing
what amounts to something like "crack dealer-to-client privilege."
Finally, things are sorted out, and Noelle is sentenced to ten days in
Florida's Orange County jail for contempt, apparently more in order to
save face in light of her father's "tough-on-drugs" stance than any
point of law. Having made a grand entrance into the Bush hierarchy,
Noelle is soon handed back to her family on August 8, 2003. No more
sitting at the kiddy table on Thanksgiving for her!
When it comes to joining the haughty white-gloved freak show, Neil
Bush's 19-year-old daughter Lauren does it the old-fashioned way: with
fine bone structure and as Tommy Hilfiger's "All-American Girl." But
to become an official ranking member of Bush society, her scandal
rating is going to have to be lifted a bit. Posing nude in a magazine
like HUSTLER, starring in a Paris Hiltonesque porn flick or showing up
at a film premiere in a diaphanous gown (=E0 la Democratic candidate
John Kerry's daughter Alexandra) would quickly put her at the top of
Some insight can be gained in a parable George W. once presented to
the public. "Families," he said, "is where our nation finds hope,
where wings take dream." Sometimes the lowest, most trifling standards
can be the hardest to achieve.
Peter Thompson gave up a good job and happy life in New York City to
marry a hooker and devote his existence to the craft of writing.
Currently he's working on his first book, Pig's Big Win, and
occasionally putting down his thoughts at Nirvada.BlogSpot.com, a step-
by-step guide to attaining Enlightenment in Nevada, the Silver State.
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