I’m A Jerk, And I Know It/KAnderberg

It seems being a jerk (sometimes) is human. Just as having regrets is human. Actually, we usually regret times when we were jerks. Sometimes we don't know we were a jerk until after the fact; moments, weeks, even years later. Sometimes we know, but we don't care. Sometimes we realize we were jerks on our own, with introspection; sometimes people tell us why they thought we were jerks to help us, honestly, as friends. (Then sometimes people say you are being a jerk when you are not, to control your actions maliciously.) But when you are a jerk, it sucks, in retrospect. I've been a jerk before. Knowingly and unknowingly.

"You never know you're gonna look like a creep, until after you look like a creep..." - Beaver to Eddie Haskell (Leave It To Beaver)

Rob Brezsny, author of the amazing book, "Pronoia," (www.freewillastrology.com), wrote a song entitled, "Prayers," decades ago...its lyrics have always stuck with me:
"Oh God, who never kills but only changes, What is the difference between right and wrong?
Oh, Obvious God, Father of the stagnant water And Mother of the funny words I thought of while I was there
All the things I believe in are wrong and I know it And yet, I still have as much power as people who hate...

Oh God, you pregnant criminal who scorns all my mediocre desires, I have confessed everything
I am living without ulterior motive, I have renounced all of my opinions...

Oh God who gives me so much love and pain mixed together That my morality collapses
Make sure that I never know Whether I am really a good person or really a bad person...
Oh God, you wealthy anarchist burning heaven to the ground, Force me to march past your scorched faces and shattered limbs
And brainwash me with your freedom So that I never love my own pain
More than anyone else's pain..."

And, you know, that really is what being a jerk is about. Loving your own pain more than someone else's pain.

PKDwyer, infamous for top-notch street performances and still performing strong (www.pkdwyer.com), wrote the all-time classic song on this topic, entitled "I'm A Jerk and I Know It." He sings;
"I'm a jerk and I know it, so say my friends,
I'm a jerk and I know it, they're reachin' their end,
I'm a jerk and I know it, don't give up hope,
I'm a jerk, and I know it, they're reaching the end of their rope

I thought I was a goner, til they did me the honor
Before they'd go, of saving my skin
I didn't really mind, although it was sort of unkind
They had to let me know
That excuses were wearing thin...

He's a jerk, and he knows it, yep! That's how I feel!
He's a jerk, and he shows it! Hey! What's the big deal?!
I get the picture, I don't need a lecture
And what's more,
We can still be friends!
I don't know how but you must know by now
I've heard this all before
And swore not to do it again
But then, I'm a jerk, and I know it..."

I'd like to be a jerk less often. LOL! I'd at least like to cut out those times I am unconsciously a jerk. Or should I be at least cutting out those times I am conscious of being a jerk, as I at least make decisions regarding my behaviors those times?! The times I am a jerk and I know it, those times, seem less dangerous and damning than the times I am a jerk without knowing it! I do believe everyone is a jerk at one time or another, though. Or as Thackeray said, "It is impossible in our condition of society, not to sometimes be a snob." No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. We all have regrets to learn from. Regrets teach us not to be jerks, preemptively! Regrets can teach us how not to incur any *new* negative karma, at least, with its hindsight.

If I had my writing career to do over again, I would change several things, for sure. I regret learning what a troll is, in public. I regret some of the alliances I have made. I regret some of the just plain stupid-assed, off the top of my head shit I have spewed out onto the internet. But I am also *very* proud of the solid body of written work of merit I have contributed, as well. I am being a jerk less, as I learn things like troll patterns. I think getting older helps a little bit, as you have more experience to draw upon, at the very least.

Being a jerk is usually tied up with ego. I was talking to an old friend named Crow the other day. He is one of the best vaudevillians and street performers I have ever seen, and for decades. We were discussing our performer family and its dysfunctions, and he said he thinks the one most destructive force in our family was and is *competing egos.* And ever since he said that, I have been thinking about it a lot. He may be right. At times it does seem as if all of our egos, admittedly mine too, may be part of the demise of our performer family. It does seem like the times I am most egoic, I am the biggest jerk, and vice versa...the times I am the biggest jerk, are the times I am the most egoic, usually. I was in the Source Family, an experimental spiritual cult from Los Angeles, and the leader of that family at one point said, if he could do the family all over again, he would do it "without personalities." And much like in my performing clan, there were so many really powerful people and egos in that group, that jerk behavior and egos did play a destructive part in things. Which is why I say I am working on being a jerk less often.

I asked a spiritual advisor of mine recently, what you should do when you realize you were a jerk in some instance. She said first of all, you admit you screwed up to yourself, and to your version of the Great Spirit, God/Goddess, etc...then you look at it, to not repeat mistakes, and to avoid incurring any new negative karma. Even just admitting to *ourselves* we've been jerks can be excruciatingly hard, so I don't think that is bad advice, to start admitting it - to someone! Perhaps this was some of the original philosophy behind the Catholics' "confession" ritual.

"...Relax, don't worry,
Remember that everybody is a nobody
And nobody is perfect.
So what the hell?
You might as well build illusions that make people feel so beautiful they can't stand to be near you
You might as well love your enemies,
Just in case your friends turn out to be jerks..." - Rob Brezsny (www.freewillastrology.com)