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When Johnny/Joannie comes marching to the altar.......
Military's new rules of engagement -- warfare on a new front.

Just when you thought you had heard it all. The government, not happy with
the control they have over the sheeple, in their infinite stupidity, have said they
will make another decision for the mindless masses. It has been decided that
the military will begin a program of teaching the troops how to pick a spouse.

The U.S. military has initiated a Marriage101 program called Premarital
Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge -- P.I.C.K. or How To Avoid Marrying A
Jerk. Military chaplains will now be conducting regular classes on how to pick
the right wife/husband.

Rumsfeld's Black Hole -- The Stop-Loss Policy
Government officials are blaming the high divorce rate among service personnel
on the repeated deployments of troops in Afghanistan and Iraq. Pointing to
their statistics, the government said that over 56,000 troops had been divorced
since the war on terror began in 2001.

There are a few topics that will be discussed at these mate-for-life edifications.

1. F.A.C.E.S. -- or Family (background), Attitudes, Compatibility, Experiences
(in previous marriages), Skills (brought to union by both partners).

2. R.A.M. -- or Relationship Attachment Model.

These programs teach the lovelorn how to pace themselves in achieving a high level of knowledge about their prospective partner and not to allow their
sexual desire to negate their nuptials by engaging in the hide-and-cheat
3. BONUS -- You will be taught to do the "No Jerk Salute," which consists of
placing your right hand over your heart and two left fingers at your temple or
forehead. This salute should be used when choosing a partner.

The military wants you to have a wife/husband. It will issue you one.
This program of marital bliss is the brainchild of John Van Epp, a former
government official. Epp, who has a degree in psychology and has a private
counseling practice, instructs military chaplains who in turn teach it to
military personnel. Van Epp's course is also used by various civilian groups
and state institutions such as city hall, churches, and prisons. In January,
Van Epp sent two hundred program workbooks to GI's in Iraq.


military humor 08.Feb.2006 18:05

V.A. (vets anonymous) member

I dunno if its still this way or not, but these kind of things used to be noted on your service record as "Military Indoctrination". Compulsory for everybody. Often, but not always, given by chaplains. Lots of sleeping during these affairs and some occasional laughter, not always appreciated by the officer conducting the "indoctrination". Very challenging for the chaplains, I suppose.

Anyway this sure sounds like the military -- 'program textbooks' and acronyms like 'R.A.M. -- or Relationship Attachment Model'.

Do they hire professional comedians to come up with this stuff, or what?