Hot Dingity! I went down to Texas to talk to the soljers about the wepuns of mass destrukshun Saddam Hussayn didn't have. I wuz smart to tawk to the troops on Ayprul 1 because the fools beeleeved evreething I told them. I can't understand why the American peeple don't have a sense of hewmore about my littul white fibs. Momsy says fuck them if they can't take a joke.
April's Fools! Nyah nyah nyah.
I went to see the Act of the New England Patriot(s) at the SooperBowl. They are good citazuns and thay have contribooted lots to our demockrahsee.....like clam chowduh. Thay gave me a official Patriots jurzee, so thair is only 52 true patriotic peeple in America now, not inclooding me.
Momsy, Unca Dick, Condi and me laffed abowt the Ayprul Fools joke we pulled on the public and the soljers about the war on terror and how good my troops are doing thair. I gotta do sumpthin abowt the anti-me, pot-smoking, vejataireun hippie terrorists. Thay shud be happy with thair meanieul jobs. Maybe I can put them in prizun or send them to Eyerack. No, wate, not a good idea.....that will help the terrorists destroy America.
I tawk to the American peeple awl the time abowt freedum and demockrahsee cuz I want them to unnerstand what that meens. Freedum is very important....cuz I got the freedum to avoid peeple at my publick confrances. The U.S. stock market dropped yestarday, but it is still lots higher than my approval rating. I got soshul sekoority privatized....and that meens that I can pump all that money into my vawlts......just like I am doing by selling all that oyl I stoled from Eyerack.
The cardinuls asked me to come to the Vatican to help in choozing the new pope. I brawt some good dope to help pick a good pope. We got out the stone pipes and spent days blowing multicullerd smoke up the chimnee. We wuz smoking bud from British Columbeah and hash from Morrocko. Yep, that wuz some good shit....the cardinuls were wawking into the walls and bumping into eech uther.....I kept tripping on my robe. Luckily, sumwon remembird whair the oreos and pretzels wuz stashed.
We ain't gonna blowing marywanna smoke next time we pick the dope....oops, I meen pick the pope. Insted we are gonna snort good Columbean coke and Afganeestan poppy joose. I gave the cardinuls my list of candadates for the popery.
Rush Limbaugh becawse he supports me in my plans for America and the world. He appeals to the geritol-on-the-rocks group,
and likes to party wild and crazy like me.
Bono becawse he is a good diplomat for me. He appeals to the younger folks because of his rock music, and he is a good example of teaching them American democracy and sharing our freedums around the world. Sumtimes he is annoying when he plays his music when I'm watching TV.
Donald Rumsfeld cuz he has been one of my best supporters for my wars. He has good intellekt but he is always wronger than me.
He would give me his blessing to get rid of people who are against me in my war on terror.
Rapper 50 Cent -- hey, he was a good human target range huh. He would be a good pope cuz his music inspires kids to accept the Lord. Any kid who don't accept Jesus will get a cap in thair ass.
Paris Hilton cuz she is a gorjus hotty who turned chubby and became a hotty again. Shazam! Have you seen this babe lately?
Two great things have come out of America in the last tweny years, and Paris has them both.
President Berlusconi because he is a good ally in the war on terror. Just like me he is a ruthless and courageous leader who prefers to deal with peeple he finds annoying. Sure he's a commie, but so was the last pope, who did not achieve anything. How come Polish names end in "ski?" Cuz thay can't spell toboggan.
I have decided to do what I can to end unemployment in America. I have made the following posisshuns avaylabul at the White House.
Laura writ the job listings and deskripshuns.
1. Royal Conjugator -- The President needs someone who understands the difference between singulars and plurals. Your duties will include writing statements for the President, such as "It's hard to put food on your families" -- "I know that the fish and the human can co-exist peacefully together" -- and "Is our children learning?" Requirements: Must be a Harvard or Yale graduate.
2. Court Vocabulizer -- Must be capable of confronting conundrums like
"Commander-in-Chief" and eliminate outdated phrases like this. Individual must be creative in making new titles for the President, such as "Commanderator-in-Chief." Dictionary not required.
3. Reading Regent -- Must enjoy reading books. Duties: Must be capable of reading many important books. This will be helpful to the President as he encourages people to read, knowing that he is well-read himself. You will be required to meet with the President once a week to tell him what he knows about each book. Requirements: Must be capable of summarizing complex
information into simple sentence structures.
4. Eco-Friendly Environmental Consultant -- The President seeks a man or woman experienced with dealing with toxic waste and other wastes. Duties will include advising the Department of the Interior and the Environmental Protection Agency about safely storing nuclear waste and other toxins on Indian reservations. Must also prevent Indian reserves from interfering with the mining of uranium by U.S. companies on all Indian land. Requirements: Must be a University graduate with a degree in Business Administration.
5. Secretary of Religious Merit -- This is an excellent opportunity to become part of the President's inner circle. Duties: As Secretary of the Faith-Based Action Department you will be responsible for ensuring that the flow of money from the nations churches and televangelists into the President's treasury continues without interruption. You must also determine which people lack the proper patriotic vision. These people will no longer be eligible for any social programs. Requirements: Must have knowledge of what is best for all American people.
6. Federal Lands Broker -- Successful applicant must ignore nationwide belief of public land ownership. All land belongs to the government. Your duties will include the sale of all undeveloped land to all interested buyers. You will be responsible for securing contracts from mining, oil, logging, and water companies, as well as from agricultural interests, hunting outfitters, road building, commercial and residential developers, and all other corporate interests. Requirements: Thorough knowledge of the Eminent Domain Laws and all relevant provisions. Must have a keen appreciation for concrete and asphalt.
7. Court Jester -- No vacancies. This position has been withdrawn. The President will continue to assume the duties of this position.
God Bless America.
P.S. I have to get to Britney Spears house to see if that new song she wrote is about me.