1. Portland is readying the citizenry for a 115 foot deep trench in the parking lot of the Opera Plaza next door to OMSI. where trench-lovers can also enjoy a Big Pipe exhibit featuring an imitation toilet. We call this explosion of civic imagination sewer overflow control. It involved tunneling 6 miles under the Willamette River. We could have done this the easy way... .but it wouldn't be the Portland Way.
2. Portland attorney and all-round conservative guy has raised so much money he is going to need a 115 foot deep trench to put it in. (Hey! I've got an idea... )
3. Down state, developers are putting a 2 thousand acre resort in the middle of Deschutes County. Residents have pointed out that there isn't going to be enough water but a helpful farmer has offered the use of his water. They are going to need a lot of it, too. Three golf courses, 950 MacMansions and a luxury hotel are going in. Locals are thrilled at the prospect of jobs that do not involve manufacturing methamphetamines in the lavatory.
4. Back up state in Portland, the First Things Firsters are launching a full-court press against campaign spending limits. To which end, they have spent about 350 grand just to collect enough signatures to put a measure that would repeal the campaign funding plan on the May ballot. Who are these people anyway? Oh, just little guys trying to get by: Portland Business Alliance, Comcast, PGE, NW Natural, Schnitzer & Co... .you get the idea...
5. A northern Idaho Indian Tribe fears that the state's plan to kill 75 percent of the wolves in the Clearwater Basin to help the regions elk may hurt attempts to delist wolves from Federal protection. (So, we kill the endangered wolves to save the elf, but then we can't take the de-list wolves because, well, because if we kill them that makes them endangered. See how it all makes sense?)
6. House Republicans chose John Boehner - a former member of the Newt Gingrich cabal - to replace Tom DeLay. (These people are highly replaceable: one goes down, another one pops right up and finishes his predecessor's sentence.
7. KBOO's Stephanie Potter interviews civil rights activists on the USA Patriot Act.
8. Tornados hit New Orleans (further proof that God hates FEMA).
9. Fred Phelps and his merry band of loonies have inspired 14 (and counting) state legislatures to pass laws prohibiting Fred's Freaks from protesting at the funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq. Their message? "God is punishing America for tolerating gays". How's that work? Picture grieving elderly relatives: "I never even knew the boy was queer, Ethel"
10. Just as the Exxon-Valdez case goes back to the 9th Circuit for round #5, another oil tanker goes aground in Alaska. (Why drill for oil when you can just go around scooping it out of the ocean in buckets?) The tanker was hit by an iceberg no doubt loosed from its parent ice flow by warmer temperatures caused by... .
11. FSRN: John Negroponte told the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence that it's not just fun to eavesdrop on American's international phone calls, its absolutely necessary. (And next time you're on an international flight, feel free to drill a tiny hole in the lavatory wall so you can peek in and watch other passengers tinkle. If you get caught, you can always say, "Negroponte told me to do it" and watch all the blood drain from their antipatriotic faces... )
12. And for Do-It-Yourselfers out there, if you think you can do it better than thee government, there is this web site. You register your subject's cell phone and you can track that person, wherever he or she goes, maps, pictures, the works.
13. Just when we thought that there was nothing that the western world could possibly do to piss-off the Muslim world, some Danish moron went and drew disrespectful cartoons featuring none other than the Prophet Mohammed. And to make matters worse, instead of yanking the vile scratchings, newspapers in other European nations picked them up and ran them as well.
14. It's Official! Two months before actually attacking the sovereign nation Iraq, Bush and Blair got together and decided that no matter what the UN decided to do about Saddam Hussein and his imaginary friends, they were going to knock the bejeezus out that unfortunate country. Because, hey, free oil! Plus we can always use the extra military bases in the middle east.
15. And now, Onward Christian Soldiers! Iran is just asking for it... .
16. And in New York City a group of protestors is suing the cops for roughing them up during a demonstration. Nothing surprising there until we learn that the protester that New York City's Finest roughed up were themselves cops.