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environment | forest defense

Lloyd Center Victoria's Secret Uprising Quelled by Crack Mall Security Team

A small riot broke out in front of the Victoria's Secret mall outlet storehouse in the Lloyd-controlled District today. Mall security forces posted within and around the Ladies' undergarments supply depot effectively silenced the rowdy group of Ladies' garment discontents by dragging them through a service corridor and dumping them in the gutters, where they belong. The Department of Homeland Security issued an orange alert empire-wide as similar skirmishes erupted throughout the day. Security teams report that all sectors of the Portland region of the United Empire of States are now secure, additional forces have been posted to retain order at all Ladies' undergarment depots, and that nothing else bad is happening anywhere else in the world.
Underexposed Victoria's Secret Ladies' undergarment-hating rabble-rousers
Underexposed Victoria's Secret Ladies' undergarment-hating rabble-rousers
Security forces first realized that there might be a problem when anonymous communiques were issued on a local and intercontinental level basis demanding a referendum on exposing Victoria's Secret on November 3rd, the anniversary of the reappointment of our great leader George "the Bush" W. Bush the 2nd. Their suspicions were confirmed when a shabby lot began hanging out in the Lloyd Recreational Zone near the Dinky Ice Rink.

"When they arrived, they stepped over caution tape like it was nothing and didn't seem the least bit deterred by the potholes that are currently afflicting our war-oriented district. They stood around chatting as if we hadn't encircled them with three of our biggest, toughest warriors," said Lieutenant Schnauser, Team Leader for Security on Floor One of Victoria's Ladies' undergarments Depot. "We were practically breathing down their necks," he added.

The sequence of events varied across the multitudinous reports, but security experts believe that the mob collectively vanished and from the Recreational Zone and spontaneously reappeared next to the Ladies' undergarments depot using a technological device called an "Escalator". "One of them ventured so far as to go into the storehouse and pick up a ladies' undergarment without permission. That's when the shit started to go down." quavered a trembling witness, who would only speak under conditions of anonymity, for fear of reprisals against his motorized vehicle, cellular phone bill, and income tax return, all of which are bequeathed by the Great Lloyd in all of his generosity.

The unruly crowd, apparently raised to anger by the woman-handling operation initiated by the mall security forces, closed in with chants and strangled curses to clash with their perceived opponents - the keepers of all that is good and right at the Mall. Storehouse workers were sequestered for their own safety behind bullet-proof glass partitions while the rabble-rousers were physically dragged away by their g-strings and halter tops, which were most likely looted from other Ladies' undergarment deports, without permission.

No one knows exactly what started the fracas here or elsewhere in the Empire, but this reporter arrived just in time to hear something objectionable being yelled about ceasing the practice of clearcutting the largest Old Wood Resource unit on the North American continent and stopping the presses that print a million of catalogs a day on deliciously pure white virgin paper for volunteer Ladies' undergarment picture assessors all across the Empire to peruse. "That forest that your Empire is abusing is one of the largest wildlife refuges on the planet and home to numerous indigenous groups of Homo Sapiens and all subjugated Canadians everywhere would like to please stop the torment and destruction, eh?" an incredibly long-winded barbarian is reported to have screamed while being leaded into a trash compactor deep within the bowels of the Death Mall.

Our undercover correspondent on the scene attempted to create a daguerreotype of the scene, but neither the unruly mob nor that stoic security team would consent to hold still long enough to make a decent exposure (with the notable exception of one rather glamorous woman-cop, whose picture is unfortunately unprintable in a family-oriented publication like this one). We will be there to provide continuing coverage of this serious matter as needed, and there will definitely be more attempts made at daguerreotyping the action.

homepage: homepage: http://victoriasdirtysecret.net

what were these people protesting? 04.Nov.2005 11:31


what is wrong with victoria's secret?

for more info (as was posted in the article) 04.Nov.2005 12:54


Love it 04.Nov.2005 13:30

Fredric L. Rice frice@skeptictank.org

I love the rhetoric of this article. It was very well done and it covers the protest against the corporation in an amusing and marginally informative way. }:-}

Victoria's Secret is an enemy to The last Cascadian (world) old growth Reserves 04.Nov.2005 14:10

Bro Dee

Um, That's most of what I know. - Their catologs are printed on paper made from B.C. Old growth clear cuts. ''


And Proctor & Gamble still burn bunny's eye's with shampoo too. Grr

Mall Security & Po Po's 04.Nov.2005 14:41

Victoria's DiRtY Secrets

Aren't they cute?

victorias secret 04.Nov.2005 18:04


AH victoria! Your secret is out! Nothing you sell is made in the usa... not one iddy biddy item. Somewhere in asia women and children toil to make little pretties for the western woman who thinks her body is not pretty enough...

Victoria's Secret in Eugene 04.Nov.2005 18:15

Sliver Thistleprick

A small action went down in Eugene, as well. Security arrived immediately, yet a great deal of information and rhetoric was distributed, just the same.

what? 04.Nov.2005 19:54


I'm sure this is very funny for you and your friends to read, but for those who don't know what actually happened, the story is elusive. You can only satire a subject which is at least somewhat already understood by the reader.

here is what you do 05.Nov.2005 09:40

circle A

You see that there was a protest at Victoria Secret, you research, you learn, you realize it was a national day of solidarity and you learn something... it really isn't that criptic, I mean if you aren't intelectually lazy

Idiots 10.Jan.2006 09:31

An educated person

Somewhere in Asia women and children. Are making money to live and eat.. They would'nt have a job at all, if it was not for Victoria, and Nike and other companies giving them a job, a skill, and a life. Sure it's for less then YOU make at Burger king. But it's all they know. and it's good money compared to thier cost of living... So what are you protesting??? People in asia having a compeitive job??? Or are you just a Bush Bot, religious freak.. That has to stick thier nose in everyone's shit. All the protesters are fat under excercised yenta women. Who could'nt fit in any Victoria's stuff any way. Victoria's secret promotes a healthy life style. Look good or get the "f" out. Just another case of FAT lazy America, worried about something that has really no ill affect on anyone. Go get some excercise, stick a carrot, not a Whopper, in your face and shut up..