Another lovely evening watching Goebbels on the History Channel was ruined when a mob of crazed animal activists rang my doorbell and announced that they were there to protest! My dog Fido immediately sprang into guard dog duty as he lept on chairs and tables to let them know that animal supporters are not welcome here. They even asked me to stop torturing the animals, as if they could think and feel. Everyone knows all that twitching and screaming is just reflex, and besides, I don't torture animals, my technicians do.
These rabble rousers chanted outside my house:
Eliot Spindel don't be shy,
Come outside and tell us why,
why you torture, maim, and kill,
is it for money or just the thrill.
My fine Republican neighor stood by me and shouted supporting slogans. You can always count on conservatives to know that people come first, and that no amount of suffering or lost lives outweighs the joy of saving one golden child, who will in turn help populate the earth.
Of course, I immediately phoned the police and then attempted to photograph them, but the flash didn't go off and my photos show only black blurs. They rushed to their vehicles, and my neighbors joined the chase in an attempt to get their license numbers.
I don't know who these people are, but they've been here before and I expect they'll return. I heard that they also visited my collegue Daniel Casey's house. These animal activists seem to believe that they have the right to publicly express their opinions and stir up bad feelings that disrupt our peaceful, happy lives. Damn radicals!