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Be like Tony

A satire

Tony Blair launches self-help book
22 Mar 2005
Self-help books have always been unfathomably popular. Work-shy people always on the lookout for a quick fix, however spurious, gobble up anything that promises the world from the comfort of your armchair. First it was the Atkins Diet, then it was Paul McKenna, and now it's Tony Blair, with his new tome: 'How to deal with problems: the Tony Blair way'.

Spotting a bandwagon he had yet to jump upon, Tony has hit the advice literature market with pre-election aplomb.

Among the many alternatives available to someone with a lot of problems to deal with, the best way, Tony tells us, is to "draw a line under it and move on". This brilliant strategy has served Tony well throughout his time as one of the most powerful men on the planet. Cocked-up? Faced with unanswerable accusations? Trouble finding those pesky weapons of mass destruction? Worry no more: simply tell everyone that it's in the past, and you don't even have to apologise.

Ruthlessly harnessing the dynamic, vicissitudinary nature of politics, Tony informs us, one can claim that anything is acceptable in time, given the general public's penchant for forgetfulness and submissive credulity towards authoritative figures. Through the correct usage of political gibberish and gimmickry, even the most hypocritical, ruinous and downright calamitous policies can be passed off on the masses; failing that, subtle exploitation of the art of obfuscation can successfully keep even the most politically aware people in the dark.

For example: Should you find that you've made a bold statement that has turned out to be palpably bollocks and you don't want to admit it, Tony can help you. Simply gradually change the emphasis of said statement to bring it more in to line with public opinion. "When you think you've got the hang of it, test yourself: see if you can turn 'imminent danger' into 'bad man out' in a fortnight or less. If you get stuck, try using the word 'passionately' a lot, and making overtly sincere hand gestures: master these and you can achieve anything."

As Mr Blair admits, all this is a lot easier when you're in a powerful position unhindered by any meaningful opposition. Those without such luxuries need not fear however, for TB has some helping hints on getting to the top too.

These include: laughing off all others' suggestions, giving the impression to an unwittingly public that only you know what you're talking about; subsequently rebranding the most sensible of these suggestions as your own and finally rebranding them back again when you've messed them up.

As Alastair Campbell's foreword says: "Tony is all things to all people. Men want to be him, women want to be with him. Through the help of this book, you too can learn the skills of self-delusion and the sacred ancient 'Art of Lying without Lying'."

Reports that the book's working title was 'How to win friends and influence people' have been denied.

homepage: homepage: http://deadbrain.co.uk/news/article_2005_03_22_5915.php

my favorite chapter 23.Mar.2005 01:12

toe jam or is it joe tam

My favorite chapter is the one explaining "doos-&-donts of wearing a dog collar". Although it was when he explained how to bark like a French poodle that got me. I would have thought it was going to be a bulldog or at least change the name to freedom poodle.

The Freedom Poodle 23.Mar.2005 22:52


How many tricks can it do, besides speak?