Hot Dingity! My Royal tour of the overseas
colonies is over. I'm gonna have the good
folks at Disney World build me my very own
Euro-Land, next to Camp Crawford.
Just like my Home Empire, the economy of the
realms are shrinking, unemployment and home-
lessness is rampant, and the royal subjects
have to pay way high taxes. Hey, I kin charge
the Homeland peasants admission to tour my
Euro-Land....my home away from home.
RasPutin and me had a lyin' contest. We wuz
starin' at each other, tryin' to outdo each
others whoppers, and seein' who could keep a
straight face the longest. I Lost!
I had to laugh first, cuz it wuz funny when he
said his royal media had no problems like I had
with Dan Rather. He duzint have to make phone
calls like I did. Heh heh heh.
Nyah nyah nyah - lucky for you Dan.
Condy, my Stately "Secretary", wuz struttin' her
stuff when she inspected the troops of our German
colony last week. She wuz dressed as a dominatrix,
which she said would help explain why our colonies
had better accept my forun policy, or else!
All her outfit wuz black. She wore a short leather
skirt and a cupless boostyay, knee-high leather
boots with high heels, and a cool military longcoat
that has gold buttons.
Sackray Bloo! Jack Shellac said that he would
willingly surrender and submit to her anytime!
Laura got ahold of Paris Hilton's T-Cell phone
and she wanted to know why my name and number
wuz on her fone list. I told Laura that Paris
works undercover for the C.I.A., and that she
reports only to me.(She's not C.I.A., but she
shore duz work under my bedcovers). I wuz
partyin' hard with Paris, and my fingers is
crossed that I wuzint cawt on any of her video
Laura said that Paris's phone had the names
and numbers of people in my court, with
cool monikors for us. Laura said she wuz prowd
that Paris called me "Kaschnizzel!" Condy was
listed as "Doing her is Ecstasy!"
Heck, Paris's other pet names were all cool too.
Rummy wuz "Doggy Style Guy" -- Norm Mineta wuz
"Snortin' Norman" -- Karl Rove wuz "Tie Me Up" --
Porter Goss wuz "Totally Gross" -- Greenspan wuz
"Go All Night" -- Scott McClellan wuz "Dribble-
shot" -- Negro-ponty wuz "One Hung Low" aleeus
"Long Wang" -- and Robert Mueller wuz "Cross
As soon as I conquer Eyeran and Seereyah, I will
give them my "freedom and democracy" like I did
in Eyerack. This will show the world that I am
the great yoonyter, and this will be the bestest
Mommy called to congratchulate me for winnin' a
Razzie Award during the Oscars. She said that
Arny-girly man got one too! Dam! Weez Hot Stuff!
I went to the Day After Club in L.A. to listen
to Penelope Cruz and Selma Hayek at their Rock
The Earth concert, which wuz to benefit the
fight aginst glowball warmin. Of course, the
best part was when we drove those gas-suckin'
limozeens and SUV's to their air-condishund
After Tom Ridj kwit wurkin for me, I got him a
job at Home Depot. He says there is gonna be a
red tag sale, and he is sortin the paint by
colours. Tom sez he likes all the colours, just
like a ranebow, and he showed me what his sale
costyoom looks like.
John Ashcroft is recording a gospel alblum with
Jimmy Swaggurt, and it will be releesed this
fall. God Bless America.