as i was attempting to park down town this evening my phone rang its weird chirpy ring and the babysitter was calmly attempting to tell me my 3 year old possibly broke his arm. without a second thought i pulled my bus out of the space that took 15 minutes to find and headed straight home.
the look of terror in my sons eyes told me right away to pack a diaper, bottle and blankie and make way to the emergency room. the sense of calm control and patience over took me so quickly it was as if someone with better understanding moved into my spirit and guided me along.
this sensation or miracle of instinct allows me to be calm and enables me to comfort my child. i am totally aware of what needs to be done and with precise movement, i am able to do it.
Mothering has shown me so many different sides of love, pain, understanding, patience, fear, all of the emotions i knew before but knew them with a dullness. a selfish or self centered approach and the growing process of raising two amazing children has widened my knowing of what this is really all about.
has allowed me the priceless gift of unconditional love, true empathy, overwhelming joy and great great pride in what i have a part in preparing for the world.
motherhood is for me my sustenance. my fuel, and my exhausting 24 hour job that in no way was i ever fully prepared to undertake. and in no way would i want it any other way. it puts everything into perspective and puts everything else in its place.
the struggle is knowing where i begin apart from this extension of myself. when i can do for me what only i can do. when is it selfish or necessary. how far can i move out of the folds of my family and gain a new understanding of who i've become.
i've become so many different titles, roles, personalities or persons. meaning in one situation, i am a mother. a partner. a daughter and a caregiver. in another i am a writer. a photographer. a spiritual being. a sexual creature. and all of these feel separate. unconnected. unsure of the place in me and my life that they can carry over and fulfill my basic fundamental needs and wants.
i've been told young mothers of young children have several identity crises', or mental breakdowns. having just come out of a 4 month depression, i know now how important it is to feed all parts of me. the starving and the needy. the wanting and the expressing of what will make me feel complete. all of me complete.
no one person can be everything to me, and i cannot be everything to one person. I can only hope to find in me and in a higher power, the will to not lose myself. I was told once that 'in you, I find myself'. Meaning to me, we need others to complete us and we need ourselves to make it whole.
so my child broke his arm very harshly. the ex rays made me nauseas. my partner came and relieved me so i could come home and comfort and cuddle my 6 year old. i could remind him again and again what a great, loving, caring older brother he is and how much i appreciate all the kindness he shows to all of us.
and he falls asleep on my shoulder at 11pm tonight and gives me the sweetest, warmest smile letting me know i'm doing it all okay. I need reassurances sometimes and I get them after struggles and obstacles. Reminding me again, of who I have become and what I can accomplish...