Nunavut Defense Forces Block Attempt on Bush
IQALUIT - Nunavut authorities stopped an attempt on Bush today. Nunavut Defense Forces reports that a lone polar bear was intercepted while heading south. Scrolled on his side, in red paint, were the words "Fuck Bush." During questioning the bear refused to answer any questions and was handed over to American authorities, transferred in an unmarked aircraft to Washington D.C. and then deported to Syria. According to Syrian authorities, their interrogators have forced the bear to talk, revealing a secret network of al-Polar members scattered across Nunavut. These polar bears have been purchasing weapons from Wal-Mart stores in Alaska and then smuggling them across the Yukon to Nunavut.
Aerial surveillance suggests the a secret trans-polar root exists. Weapons of Mass Destruction are finding their way from Northern Afghanistan, across Central Asia and then on through Russia where they are transported beneath the polar cap by al-Qaeda seals. Polar bears have been seen using their white coats to blend into the ice near the Canadian side of the Arctic Ocean, waiting for the al-Qaeda seals to arrive.
The American Department of Homeland Security is pressuring Ottawa to join the defense forces of these two nations to resist this polar threat. Canadians are being asked to give up their sovereignty and learn to sing the Star Spangled Banner. "It's in their, you know, their best interest," said President George Bush. "We gotta smoke'm out and keep 'em running."
Marlene Jennings has asked all Canadians to smile kindly at Bush while he visits Canada lobbying for unity. "He's our neighbor," she is reported to have said, "the least we can do it give up our sovereignty to him."