Fuck the South
Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to
kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to
keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for
arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America? Really?
Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on
about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the
right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the
first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting
revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think
there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock
anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine
amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states.
And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off
from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real
you are, you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American
than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what
it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and
enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for.
And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but
you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it's a shithole," we said,
but you had to have your fucking orange juice.
The next dickwad who says, "It's your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass
kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can
you guess? Go on, guess. That's right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states
that receive the least and pay the most? It's too easy, asshole, they're blue states. It's not
your money, assholes, it's fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a
minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.
Let's talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass
because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn
week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate, you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can
you guess? It's fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that's
right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the
lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that's just some aberration? How about this: 9 of
the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where
our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the
top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible
Belt is doing its fucking part.
But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining
it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church,
right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time.
Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking
towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk
about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you
self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in
buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in
the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.
Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching,
confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.
And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.
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