I've been thinking about swear words a lot lately. George Carlin's famous list of the seven words you can't say on TV have shrunk! (Well a little) You can say "Ass" and the word "Bitch" but I don't think you can say "God damn it", and you sure can't show a nipple. The Germans must think we are a bunch of puritanical ninnies who have no problem showing child rape and murder, like those prime time true crime shows portray, but get all bent out of shape over a State House statue that's having a wardrobe malfunction.
All kids cuss. I'll say it again: ALL KIDS CUSS! I was eavesdropping on a few kids last night, and caught some colorful language. Swearing like sailors while playing "boat." How apropos. My parental instinct kicked in and reminded me that I had to do something parental about it, so I yelled at them for swearing wrong. "'Son of a shit' is incorrect! It's 'Son of a Bitch,' you stupid ass!"
Then I got to thinkin' (drinkin') and decided, why not? Son of a shit sounds way cooler than "son of a bitch." I always had a problem with people insulting mothers that they have never met, so I always keep track of who said what, and when, so when they meet my mom I can say, "Arnold this is my mom, mom this is my friend Arnold, who in 1987 I had an argument with and called him a bloated knuckle dragger, to which he replied, 'Yer momma.' Arnold, this is the lady you deflected my insult at." Uncomfortable silence (glee).
So I've decided that swearing needs an overhaul, or revamping if you will. Dig this: for insulting people, add any food to a swear word and you have a wonderful new slight. My favorite that's already in use has to be "Fuck nut," but how about "Pussy cabbage," or "Butt Jello?" I can't recall if I've ever heard "Penis Butter" used, but it seems like "Dick Butter" rolls off your tongue better (ha ha).
Howzabout mixing animals' names with bad language? Nothing against animals, I like animals a lot, let me tell you, I dig animals so much I eat the damn things. I'm just suggesting the use of animal names to advance your verbal communication skills, like "Slut puppy" or "Shit-Mole." Maybe this phrase could work, "She had a case of the 'ham- cunt.'" See? Mix em up a bit. Stay with me now, my little titmouse.
I don't know what a "crab apple" is, but it sounds silly, kind of like "Fart Blossom" (that was my sisters nickname as I was growing up). When my ship comes in, I'm gonna get her a bathrobe with F.B. embroidered on it for her birthday.
Did you know that there's a Skunk, and a Skink but no non-human animal called a skank? Maybe a skank is a group of two or more skunks or skinks. "That skunk stank like a skanky skink." Yeee-frikkin-haw! Sounds profane, but isn't! My daughter likes things that sound dirty. She told me to shut my gum-hole. Good kid.
Bush-meat, Dick-tater, perfect words that sound nasty. If I had a book of these I would store it in the crotch of a tree. Speaking of Bush and Dick, the Vice President just may be the worst human ever, but to his credit, he did tell a guy, "Go fuck yourself." Imagine how many punk rock points he would get if he had said, "Go fuck your ass cabbage."