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An Unsolicited script for a Hummer Commercial

Warning!
Satire!
Hummer Commercial

Exterior shot of top front of dilapidated import car driving down the freeway.
It smokes and wobbles as it slowly coasts down the road.
Music: a corny, funny sounding rendition of 'Red River Valley'.
Interior shot: Family inside car. There are six of them crammed in the decaying, torn interior of the car. They are ugly and awkward looking. They all resemble the Farkle Family from Laugh-In. The car is also filled with bag after bag of groceries. They have a blissful, unaware look on their faces.
Suddenly, in another exterior shot, a giant, shiny, chrome and black Hummer zooms up on the rear bumper of the Farkle family's car. Music: A fast, modern hard rock guitar solo with pounding drums- a kind of Van Halen-meets-Wagner kind of groove.
Interior shot: Family inside hummer. They are all handsome and finely sculptured. They are all wearing what appear to be brand-new running suits resplendent with corporate logos.
They are a Dad driving, Mom wearing a baseball cap with a bleached blonde ponytail sticking out the back, drinking an Espresso while pressing a tiny cell phone to her ear.
Daughter, 12 or so, is a miniature version of mom, right down to the cell phone.
Son, wearing headphones while watching an on-board DVD player is also doodling with a palm pilot. He has bleached out hair that requires $40 worth of hair-care products to make it look like he just rolled out of bed.
Dad's appearance suggests a male model who has settled down to raise a family.
They all seem unaware of the Farkle family except father who looks at the rear of the car that has forced him to slow down and makes an irritated snort.
Close up of father's foot pressing down on the accelerator.
Exterior shot: Hummers grill coming close to back of battered Farkle Car.
Interior shot: close up of Farkle dad looking into rear view mirror at giant, imposing front of hummer.
A look of worry crosses his spotty face. He makes a nervous grin and we see his funny, plastic novelty looking teeth.
Close up on Farkle-dad's foot pressing down on the accelerator of his litter-strewn car.
Exterior shot: from top-rear of Hummer with Farkle-car in front.
Farkle car surges forward in a puff of black smoke, like ink from an escaping squid.
Interior Shot: Hummer dad makes a contemptuous snort as a slight sneer crosses his face and the Farkle car is seen to barely maintain a safe distance from the giant Hummer.
Interior shot: Farkle-dad looks slightly relieved and wipes his brow in a corny pantomime.
Whole family nervously grins at one another.
Suddenly Farkle dad looks up to see a steep incline in the road ahead and he glances with a worried expression into the rear view mirror at the vehicle behind him.
He pushes the gas pedal to the floorboards in an attempt to escape the wall of chrome that threatens his tiny, battered car.
Rapid back-and-forth edits of the comical juxtaposition of side view of hummer effortlessly and quietly climbing the hill and side view of chattering, wheezing Farkle-car attempting to mount the hill, all the while emitting clouds of blue smoke.
Similar juxtaposition of close-ups of Farkle-dad's worried eyes and Hummer dad's expression of an amused yet irritated look. He should never be inconvenienced in such a way.
Exterior shot: Hummer nearly pushing the tiny car up the hill. Nearing the crest as the Farkle-car has grinded almost to a halt.
Interior shot: Farkle-dad looks terrified. His body straightens out like a board as he is positively standing on the accelerator pedal and hopping up and down on it with comical exaggeration. There is a sound like marbles in a blender coming from somewhere in the Farkle car.
His family frantically looks around them with an expression of terror.
Both vehicles finally top the hill, as Farkle dad is able to steer his smoking wreck into the slow lane.
Hummer violently swings around the obstacle that has been impeding its progress.
Hummer dad gives a momentary tsk sound as he glances over at the stalling car to his right and then casts is eyes forward, fixating on something like an eagle on some unseen prey.
They speed out of view, as the Farkle-car grinds to a halt on the road's shoulder.
Comical sound of engine also grinding to a halt like a sound effects record that has been switched off.
Exterior shot: Car falls apart like in a cartoon. Hood pops open, one door falls off and wheels splay outward as body of car hits the pavement.
Exterior shot: Shot of Farkle-dad's defeated face framed in car widow, his head rests in his hands as groceries spill everywhere. A tomato bounces of his head, yet he seems oblivious. His expression suggests that this is not an uncommon occurrence.
Shot of Hummer driving off onto curving country road and into a beautiful, golden sunset.

homepage: homepage: http://chardman.blogspot.com/

alternate ending 30.Oct.2004 14:01

yipyap

Both vehicles finally top the hill, as Farkle dad is able to steer his smoking wreck into the slow lane.
Hummer violently swings around the obstacle that has been impeding its progress.
Hummer dad gives a momentary tsk sound as he glances over at the stalling car to his right and then casts is eyes forward, fixating on something like an eagle on some unseen prey.
Neither he nor his preoccupied family even notice the grey steel anti-tank grenade as it lofts through the open rear passenger window and falls silently on the sumptuous velour carpeting.
They speed out of view, as the Farkle-car grinds to a halt on the road's shoulder.
Comical sound of engine also grinding to a halt like a sound effects record that has been switched off.
Exterior shot: Car falls apart like in a cartoon. Hood pops open, one door falls off and wheels splay outward as body of car hits the pavement.
Exterior shot: Shot of Farkle-dad's defeated face framed in car widow, his head rests in his hands as groceries spill everywhere. A tomato bounces of his head, yet he seems oblivious. His expression suggests that this is not an uncommon occurrence.
Shot of Hummer driving off onto curving country road and into a beautiful, golden sunset. The tranquility of the scene is shattered as the Hummer suddenly explodes in a giant ball of orange flame, and the video image oscillates violently as the explosive shock wave hits the camera. A tinkling sound reminiscent of wind chimes is heard as bits of shredded Hummer fall to the pavement.
Flash back to exterior of Farkle car: Shot of Farkle-dad's defeated face still framed in car widow. As wreaths of smoke from the demolished Hummer waft silently across the scene, and the tinkling metallic sound continues, Farkle-dad's expression slowly changes from one of exhausted dejection to one of evil self-satisfaction.
Closing shot of Farkle family trudging slope-shouldered down the road carrying their groceries. The golden sunset silhouettes their tired forms and that of the still-smoking Hummer hulk.

Another Alternate Ending 31.Oct.2004 13:11

Steve Spielberg

Both vehicles finally top the hill, as Farkle dad is able to steer his smoking wreck into the slow lane.

Hummer violently swings around the obstacle that has been impeding its progress.

Hummer dad gives a momentary tsk sound as he glances over at the stalling car to his right and then casts is eyes forward, fixating on something like an eagle on some unseen prey. Unfortunately his rear tire blows and the Hummer, badly off balance because of the two kayaks, four mountain bikes, and four road bikes is unable to recover. It rolls over into a ditch filled with water alongside the road, trapping the Hummer family in an expensive steel cage. More fortunate than an Iraqi soldier, they are not immediately drowned.

The Farkle-car grinds to a halt on the road's shoulder.

Comical sound of engine also grinding to a halt like a sound effects record that has been switched off.

Exterior shot: Car falls apart like in a cartoon. Hood pops open, one door falls off and wheels splay outward as body of car hits the pavement.

Exterior shot: Shot of Farkle-dad's defeated face framed in car widow, his head rests in his hands as groceries spill everywhere. A tomato bounces of his head, yet he seems oblivious. His expression suggests that this is not an uncommon occurrence. Suddenly his defeated eyes brighten.

Farkle may not be much of a mechanic, but a bright idea does occur to him now and then. Gathering groceries and herding the family in the direction of the upended Hummer, he releases the bicycles (admirably equipped with top of the line panniers, global positioning devices, lights, and cameras. Loading the groceries in the panniers, the family mounts up and prepares to head out.

Shot of Father Farkle from the upside down point of view of the hapless Hummer family (son has not noticed the accident and is still watching the video and listening to music) as he shouts, "Don't y'all fret . . . we'll send back some help when we git to the nearest fillin' station!"

Shot of Farkle family biking happily off down curving country road and into a beautiful, golden sunset.

A shaky hand extends from the shattered window of the Hummer as Hummer Dad attempts to snag the errant tomato. He shudders to think of what will happen to him if the cell phone and headset batteries run down before help arrives and the family members are actually forced to talk to each other.