Bush Confident Of Third Term: A Satire?
Know anyone who remains undecided this election? Have them read this "newswire report" from four years in the future. What's scary is that it might not be so far off if Bush is reelected.
Bush Confident Of Third Term
By Rajiv Srivastava
India Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Outside a Wal-Mart Mega-Store in suburban Detroit today, President Bush told a cheering crowd of former GM and FOrd employees on their lunch break that he is confident voters will elect him to a third term, and he repeated his campaign pledge to "make the world a safer place after eight years of war." The President dismissed recent statements made by his Green Party challenger, former Secretary of State and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Colin Powell, telling the laughing workers that Powell "wants to actually work with all those countries all over the world who hate us!"
The President, who is enjoying his third run for the presidency as a result of the repeal of the 22nd Amendment shortly after his second inauguration in January 2005, thanked the workers for giving up their unpaid lunch break to come out and hear him speak. He was joined on stage by Director of Homeland Security Tom Delay, and Director of National Intelligence John Ashcroft. After the president spoke, both men reminded members of the audience of their signed pledge to vote for the President, and of the reminder phone call each voter would receive from the National Citizens Data Bank on the morning of election day, November 4th.
On the home front, the President reassured workers that the recent passage of his tax bill, which eliminated all taxes for Americans earning more than $200,000 per year, would mean "more jobs for more Americans." He told the audience that his opponent "keeps talking about the fact that we have no more manufacturing jobs here in America, but he doesn't tell you about all the great jobs like yours, the ones we've created in the service industry, and in the restaurant industry!" He repeated his campaign pledge to "cut the deficit", which now stands at over $10 trillion, "in half by the end of my third term', though he offered no specifics on how he planned to do this.
The President reminded voters of his successes over the past four years. He seemed especially proud of his nomination of three conservative Supreme Court justices, and the subsequent overturning of the landmark 1973 Roe v. Wade court decision, as well as the ending of "the discriminatory practice of affirmative action in this country."
Addressing the war on terror, the President told the crowd that he was proud to have "taken the fight to the terrorists all over the world." He praised U.S. troops fighting in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, and Pakistan as "blessed warriors for Jesus who are still fighting to keep us safe, and to bring liberty and freedom to that evil part of the world."
He pledged to complete the missile interceptor sites in construction all along the West Coast, and to continue deploying his space-based weapons systems, both as deterrents to North Korea and its long-range nuclear weapons. He chided his challenger for suggesting that the U.S. open a dialogue with North Korea, and defended his recent taunt to North Korean leader Kim Jong Il to "bring it on." "Because of my authorization of the production of tactical and usable nuclear weapons, we can whip that Kim Jong fella' any day", the President boasted.
The President also reiterated his pledge to stay out of the United Nations, and told the audience he was proud to have forced the relocation of U.N. headquarters in 2005 from New York to its present site in Bangalore, India. "Except for Poland and Bulgaria, our partners in the coalition of the willing, all the rest of those countries in that U.N weren't with us anyway, so they were against us", the President told the crowd to cheers of "U.S.A.!"
On environmental matters, the President pledged to fund a new, ten-year study on global warming, and dismissed his critics' claim that the rapid rise in sea levels around the world was a result of the dramatic increase in U.S. oil consumption over the past four years. "Saudi oil is clean oil," he said, "and the oil we're starting to get out of ANWR is even cleaner." He rejected Mr. Powell's forecast of a dwindling world oil supply as "just more liberal exaggerations."
Late in his speech, the President paused to pay respects to the late Vice President, Dick Cheney, who died suddenly of a heart attack just days before the Republican National Convention, held at the Freedom Tower built on the site of the former World Trade Center. He praised Cheney's successor, Vice President Giuliani, as a man who "stands beside me in the fight to bring God's freedom to the world."
The President ended his stump speech by sympathizing with workers who had lost their jobs when Detroit automakers moved their manufacturing plants to India. He promised that in his next term as president, he would work to "make health care more affordable for all the 100 million American workers without health insurance", and to "increase funding for education so you all can become smarter for the jobs of the 21st century."
The President's aides say that the President will travel back to the White House in Crawford, Texas tonight, where he'll host a state barbecue for the leaders of Poland and Bulgaria, before heading back out to his ranch for some more "well-deserved vacation." "Presidenting is hard work", confided one aide.
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