The Secret Service Investigates Serious Threat to the President's Balls
WASHINGTON - Homeland Security placed the nation at the highest terror threat level yesterday, red, as news of a new and credible threat to the President made its way around the Internet. Sue Niederer, mother of a US soldier killed in Iraq is reported to have publicly stated her desire to shoot the President in the "groined" area. Not since rumors alleging that Hitler had only one ball has a nation's national security been threatened with such urgency.
According to the Secret Service, appropriate measures have been taken to safeguard the Presidents scrotum and testicles. When asked for details, the Secret Service declined to answer out of concern for national security. Amber alert signs over the DC regions many highways alerted motorists to the threat and beseeched them to report any strange activity involving the President's scrotum and testicles. Specifically, motorists were asked to report any inquiries about the President's privates to Homeland Security.
The White House issued a brief to the press confirming the threat by assuring the nation that the President was safe and was faithfully carrying out his duties of office. Insiders at the White House report that the President's balls have been moved to an undisclosed location, ostensibly the same location where Dick hung out during the 9/11 attacks.
Karl Rove, when asked about the situation, stressed the seriousness of the threat. "I've built an administration on the image of the President as a manly man," he said. "Our national security depends wholly on the belief that the President has balls [and nothing more]."