Comedian commentary on the campaign:
``Late Show with David Letterman'':
``When the Republican convention was in town, crime dropped 40 percent. That's if you don't consider prostitution a crime.''
``John Kerry, after the big Republican convention, is slipping in the polls. I believe he's been losing confidence because all week long he's just been telling people, 'Well, you know, it's a thrill just to be nominated.'''
``There's a brand new book out about George Bush, and the new book says George Bush smoked marijuana while in the National Guard. And Bush said, 'See! I told you I was in the National Guard! I was there!'''
``The Tonight Show with Jay Leno'':
``John Kerry rushed to the hospital with chest pains after seeing his latest poll numbers.''
``Bush is up 10 points, 11 points. Doesn't look good. Not only is Bush ahead overall, he's also ahead in a lot of key issues like Iraq, terrorism and the economy. But Kerry is ahead on grammar and pronunciation, and overall nuance.''
``John Kerry called Bill Clinton Saturday night at the hospital. They said that Clinton talked to Kerry for 90 minutes giving him advice. Clinton reportedly told Kerry to stop talking about Vietnam ... not during the campaign, just during the phone call.''
``Here's an interesting fact: The Republican convention boosted the New York economy $255 million. But the Democratic convention in Boston only netted it $14.8 million. People wonder why it was so much less? Sure, Democrats don't like spending their own money!''
``John Kerry has a new theme to his campaign. He says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'wrong.' The wrong direction, the wrong policy. Gee, I wonder if Bush will say the 'F' in John F. Kerry stands for flip-flop. Are these guys running for president of the 8th grade? Actually Bush got the last laugh. He said, 'Everybody knows wrong starts with r.'''
``In a shocking new book by Kitty Kelley, acquaintances of President Bush say that when he was in the National Guard, 'he liked to sneak out back for a joint or into the bathroom and do cocaine.' Isn't that unbelievable? They actually found some people who saw Bush in the National Guard!''
``That's quite a claim that Bush did cocaine and marijuana. And you know who's going to get hurt by this? John Kerry. Well sure, this means Bush could carry California.''
``Real Time with Bill Maher'':
``New Rule: Hey, enough with the vacations, (John Kerry). We see pictures of you on bikes. We see pictures of you on skis. We see pictures of you on a windsurf board. Hey, Michael Dukakis just called. He wants to know if you want to borrow the tank. From now on, your sport is slinging mud.''
``And finally, new rule: You can't run on a mistake. Franklin Roosevelt didn't run for re-election claiming Pearl Harbor was his finest hour. Abe Lincoln was a great president, but the high point of his second term wasn't theater security. ... Now, don't get me wrong, Mr. President. I'm not blaming you for 9/11. We have blue-ribbon commissions to do that.''
(SUBS 23rd graf, '``In a shocking ...' to correct spelling to Kelley sted Kelly)