Following the recent announcement by Homeland Security director Tom Ridge confirming the existence of "sleeper terrorist cells" within the boarders of the United States and his promise that; "If we knew somebody was here as an operative - and we knew who they were or where they were - they wouldn't be on the street." Sam Brockman of the Department of Interplanetary Defense rose to the challenge saying; "If we knew there was an Martian operative - and we knew who they were or where they were - they wouldn't be on the street."
For years the importance of the Department of Interplanetary Defense has been disputed by nay Sayers but agency director Sam Brockman defends the department saying; "Our record of success at defending America and the World from Interplanetary attack is better than the combined efforts of the FBI, CIA, Secret Service, NSA and the other combined secret organizations funded by all the covert arms and drug trades." Additionally, Mr. Brockman charges; "the record of the Department of Interplanetary Defense at preventing interplanetary aliens from entering the United States has been 100% which is better than any other established security organization. This vital work, he says, has been done on a shoestring budget." In fact, a recent financial investigation of the U.S. security initiative budget proves Director Brockman's claim finding not a single line item dedicated to the department.
"We have thousands of people under surveillance who are believed to be Interplanetary Alien sympathizers or operatives disguised as regular citizens" says Director Brockman, "frequently these sympathizers foolishly identify themselves boldly reading science journals other nepharious activities in public but mostly we are forced to detect their covert activities with counter-covert activities." Mr. Brockman cited a sympathizer who repeatedly rented the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind and 2001: A space Odyssey, another man under close watch has checked out every Isaac Iasamov title from the local library. "these are telltale signs of Interplanetary alien sympathies", says Director Brockman, "thank God and Congress for the Patriot Act which has given us the tools to defend the security of America from Interplanetary take-over."
Responding to the question "are there interplanetary aliens on the streets" during a recent press conference Director Brockman said; "Although we have no evidence that not a single interplanetary alien has never been on any street the evidence indicates that they conduct their work in secret in secret locations extensively located throughout the world and we are diligently working to identify those secret locations and evidence indicates that many identified locations promise to produce results although the specific information regarding the number, locations, size, and type of location preferred and..." says the Director with a wry grin seemingly borrowed from Secretary of defense Donald Rumsfield himself; "I'd like to provide that information but I'd have to kill ya...next question." The two overriding topics of concern for the press conference were the importance of the department and it's dire and lamentable under funding.
Responding to critical questions regarding the few details provided to the public by the agency when compared to other agencies Directory Brockman concluded the press conference saying: "Information begets information; when there is no information to get there is no information to beget but you can bet we will get information to beget...once we have begetted that information we'll pass it along to the media to get and beget and, in turn, you all will get and beget that information along to the public to get and beget but, until then, you can bet there is no information get and certainly none to beget."