ASHCROFT: CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIE CARRIES OFFICIAL AL-QAEDA ANNOUNCEMENT
WASHINGTON, DC - Attorney General John Ashcroft, at a press conference on the front steps of the Department of Justice's National Headquarters, warned Americans of impending attacks. An official communiqu? of the Al-Qaeda terrorist organization announced plans to use tampons as delivery media for a new weapon of mass destruction.
The announcement, confirmed to be authentic by an unnamed official within the CIA, was found in a fortune cookie at the Dien Bien Foo Soup Stop just outside of Boise, Idaho. Mary Shepherd, a regular customer at Dien Bien Foo, had just finished her meal and cracked open a fortune cookie when she received the terrorist communiqu?. The contents of the cookie's message concerned her sufficiently to prompt a call to the local field office of the FBI.
The message which read, "Excitement awaits those who open themselves" was interpreted by the CIA as a cryptic announcement of unparalleled attacks. An anonymous message posted on an online bulletin board confirmed the worst, announcing that the message found within a cookie was, indeed, authentic, prompting investigators of the Department of Homeland Security to raid hundreds of restaurants severing fortune cookies. The desperate search for Al-Qaeda messages inside of fortune cookies has led to a crisis in the donut industry, as police officers no longer have enough space set aside for their favorite treat.
Meanwhile, members of the FreeRepublic, a rightwing website rallied its troops to storm Chinese restaurants and denounce the cookie serving agents of al-Qaeda as "anti-American." Daniel Pipes published a special announcement on his website warning citizens about the un-American scourge encouraged by the liberal press to set up restaurants selling strange foods in our cities. The ADL declared the cookies to be anti-Semitic. The JDL put up a website designed to smear anyone that dared manufacture the cookies, including inventive tales of mental illness, criminal activity and the full menu of smears generally found on JDL defamation websites.
Most Americans seemed unmoved by the controversy surrounding the fortune cookies, a state of affairs that enraged Bill O'Reilly, inspiring him to call for the execution of all Americans consuming fortune cookies. Republican members of congress passed a resolution changing the official name of "fortune cookies" to "freedom cookies."