The true story about Ronald Reagan (satire)
Rhyme or Treason
by David Raffin
A "Deep Cover" agent is one who is sent into service as a spy, completely cloaked in his cover story, so as to be all the more effective as an agent. Often, these operative's spy status is not known until their deaths.
It was this way with one of the Soviet Unions greatest deep cover agents: Ronald Reagan.
Even now the idea that Reagan was a Russian deep cover operative is enough to make many in the US "see red." They have a knee jerk reaction to the information; they launch into the first stage of grief: denial.
Yet, the fact that Reagan was a deep cover KGB agent is the only plausible explanation for many of his actions. In retrospect it is simply obvious.
This is why Reagan was such a superb operative; his believability and his ability to win over the hearts and minds of followers who were ready to believe whatever he dished out, without realizing the ulterior motives or the source of his policies. If anything, one is less angered by the manipulation than awed by the effectiveness of the manipulation.
Ronald Wilson Reagan was born in Tampico, Illinois in 1911. He attended High School in Dixon, Ill, where he became a convert to communism. He then attended Eureka College, where he studied economics and sociology. An active dabbler, Reagan had a full and varied social life; he played football, acted in school plays, and was recruited as an agent of the KGB. He had a warm optimism that made him well thought of by all his associates.
After Graduation Reagan became a sports announcer. He did this because his KGB bosses thought it would be a swell deep cover assignment. However, as time passed, the Kremlin came to the realization that sports commentators were not, perhaps, the best means to foment revolution in the west. In 1937 a screen test was arranged and Reagan embarked on his next assignment : Actor. The revolution was just a few years worth of light comedies away. Reagan appeared in the first of 57 films and America remained mired in the great depression. Communist party membership grew steadily. Reagan was indeed a useful operative.
Then... War! The US and Russia were allies, and Reagan made ten films as a part of the war effort- often playing the role of a soldier.
As W.W.II wound down, the Kremlin realized that Russia would need a new enemy to center the attention of the masses upon. It was decided that America would have to be manipulated into having another "red scare."
Reagan was reassigned to the presidency of the Screen Actor's Guild. There, his assigned views were shifted from "liberal" to "conservative." He became a spokesman for conservatism and toured the country, helping to whip up "anti-red" sentiment, though all the time in the service of Mother Russia.
He was placed in charge of other Deep cover Soviet agents like McCarthy and Nixon.
His missions so far successful, polarizing America and giving Soviet citizens a cartoonish enemy, as well as McCarthy's farcical and ridiculous antics (choreographed by Reagan), Reagan was ready for the next phase.
In 1966 he was elected Governor of California. There he declared that trees were the cause of more pollution than any factory. He also stated his position on America's youth, "If it takes a bloodbath, let's get it over with."
Here was a leader. Here was a star operative.
Reagan won the US presidency in 1980. At last he was in a position to finish the job Nixon had not been able to: destroy the US economy and pave the way for revolution.
Early in his first term he was shot by a Trotskyite. Unfortunately he was killed and had to be replaced by one of his look-alikes.
The new Reagan, fresh from the assassination "attempt" easily obtained legislation to cripple the economy, run up massive debt, decrease wages, crush unions, and fund anti-pornography studies where a panelist wondered aloud, "is it cheating if you make love to a dead body?" He embarked upon a course of cutting taxes while increasing Government expenditures, refusing to deviate from it when a large deficit began and grew wildly.
He claimed on at least two separate occasions, to Yitshak Shamir and Simon Wiesenthal, that he had personally helped liberate Nazi death camps. He must be excused for this inaccuracy; he was, after all, not the original Reagan, who had served his country during the war playing a soldier in "International Squadron (1941)" and "This is the Army (1943)." The latter film being a campy musical costarring Alan Hale, father of Alan Hale jr.- "Skipper" on Gilligan's Island...
When Reagan started to appear too likable, despite his draconian policies, certain measures had to be taken. It was at this time decided he should visit Bitburg and place a wreath on the graves of elite Nazi SS stormtroopers, praising their devotion to duty and their snappy dress sense... He followed this up by selling weapons to Iran while at the same time backing Iran's enemy Iraq; funding fascism in El Salvador; and funding terrorist guerillas in Nicaragua- without the backing of his own congress. In this way, global balance was maintained.
Toward the end of his presidency he met several times with the leader of the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev. In private session beforehand, Gorby fed him lines, such as: "Ron... say, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!' and don't be afraid to say it belligerently. It plays well in Soviet Georgia."
"What a coincidence," Reagan replied. "It plays well in US Georgia as well."
The two men shared a laugh.
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