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Ronald Reagan to Be Stuffed, Displayed

Republic National Committee mounts a permanent distraction . . .
Not satisfied with seeing his image on a coin or his face on Mt. Rushmore, the Republican National Committee announced today that it plans to have past President Ronald Reagan stuffed by a professional taxidermist and put on permanent display in the Smithsonian.

The RNC has been working closely with Michael Eisner at Disney to incorporate audioanimatronic elements, making the remains of the Great Communicator as "lifelike" and "interactive" as possible.

"Ronald Reagan was such a gift to the American public that we cannot afford to lose his optimism and affability," Tom DeLay was quoted as saying, when queried about the project. "Plans are in the works to see that he accompanies President Reagan on a few special campaign stops in swing states. The photo ops will be tremendous!"

Putting the President on permanent display will also give the seemingly endless stream of human lemmings in tank tops and shorts a greater chance to ogle him.

Staff has been busy sorting through press interviews and speeches in the archives of the Reagan library in order to select the most useful phrases to incorporate into the envisioned "interactive Reagan". The first statement selected came by unanimous decision.

"It has to be 'There you go again,'" chucked Dick Cheney. "That's sort of an all purpose phrase. Unfortunately, only Ronnie could get away with it."

Incorporating chosen phrases with a Magic 8 Ball function will allow President Bush to consult with the past leader on important matters of State.

Precedent has been set for the preservation and exhibition of past leaders and celebrities. Vladmir Lenin was on display for years in the Kremlin, while Kentucky's Crystal Cave maintained the glass crypt of caving accident victim Floyd Collins for a lengthy period of time, charging tourists for a peak before entering the cave for a tour. Even Roy Roger's horse, Trigger, enjoyed this sort of celebrity.

"Hell," blustered Dennis Hastert. "I think Ronald Reagan deserves just as much respect as a damned horse!"
Relics? 10.Jun.2004 22:38


They might want to explore the idea of religious relics. That way, they can draw religion into the exploitation of the Gipper. Most of the major cathedrals and even some small churches in Europe claim a finger, heart, bone, or other body part of a Saint after which their church was named.

However the brain and heart might both be too small to bother with.

Effective Distraction 10.Jun.2004 22:44


The demise of Reagan has been such a welcome relief for the Bush Admin., that if I were one of the remaining ex-presidents, I'd be watching my back!

The Politicians of Stepford Have a Secret . . . 10.Jun.2004 22:56

Cheney Watch

Would this be the Stepford Statesman?

Waxwork Wonder 10.Jun.2004 23:10


Madame Tussaud's been displaying him for years . . .
What to do with that waxy buildup
What to do with that waxy buildup

Somewhat Expressive 11.Jun.2004 01:12

At least

At least he is more interesting than a dummy sitting on the lap of another.

An easy feat... 11.Jun.2004 08:46


...since the original Reagan died in that assassination 'attempt', they built the one we saw for most of his presidency on the chassis of Disney's animitronic Lincoln.

As a young man, I was convinced that Ronald Reagan was being played by a series of stand-ins. I could even make out three distinctly different Ronnie replicants: one had rather beak-nose features and wore too much rouge.
The other had way-too beady eyes. I was pretty sure that the Ronnie that did those long and perplexing speeches was the same one that made all those GE commercials and shitty movies. One theory I had was that he probably didn't survive that assassination attempt, but his sponsors wanted the show to go on.

We all know now that he was replaced by an android, early in his second term.
Built on the chassis of the Animatronic Lincoln, he was prone to all sorts of breakdowns and errors of his grammatical/dialectic circuits, as evidenced from this rare audio file. This was caught by an alert satellite TV viewer, on an unscrambled White House feed, sometime in '86.
It's a shame I no longer have the video as the picture shows a technician adjusting a series of screws in his exposed brain-box as they attempt to fine tune his haywire speech circuits.

I apologize for the horrid quality, as it was from a micro-cassette smuggled out of Armenia by a friend, in a manner I'd rather not disclose.

Ronald Replicant goes Berserk
Ronald Replicant goes Berserk

Bush/Zombie Reagan 11.Jun.2004 10:26


This mate may not be running, but what the hell . . .
Courting a New Constituency
Courting a New Constituency

duh 13.Jun.2004 10:09


Reagan was alrady stuffed.