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How To Uncover Terrorists . . .

The powers that be have suggested ways to recognize suspicious individuals . . . possible *gasp* terrorists. Maybe the answer is easier than we think. How about a Bake-Off?
No "specific information" . . . the "credible sources" are unidentified, and since there's nothing specific to stew about there will be no change in the color alert system. But administration officials have said "they are going to extraordinary lengths to secure upcoming events."

In the meantime, what is the American public to do? The days of duct tape have apparently passed, but Tom Ridge is recommending only two things:

1) Ridge gave the following advice on CBS's "Early Show": "We need Americans to just go about living their lives and enjoying living in this country." "America's job is to enjoy living in this great country and go out and have some fun," he said on CNN.

2) Be "highly vigilant", on "heightened alert" and report anything suspicious. Be "Citizen Soldiers". According to KGW news early yesterday evening, there are certain things to look for. I wasn't sure I believed my own ears when I heard what they were, so I watched later news to confirm them. Either because of time restraints or because somebody had second thoughts about the list of suspicious activities, it was not re-broadcast during the story about Ashcroft's speech and the new alerts.

To the best of my memory, these are the listed "suspicious things" citizens should watch for in order to identify terrorists:

a) People who appear overdressed for Summer weather or are wearing bulky clothing that might conceal weapons or bombs

b) People who appear nervous or anxious and might be pacing

c) People displaying a greater-than-average interest in mass transit

d) People using angry or derogatory language about the US

e) Anyone bragging about how their religion is the best (or something to that effect)

Personally, I think he should add to the list anyone who cannot make authentic American dishes like tuna cassarole, jello mold, a Betty Crocker cake, or toll house cookies. Yes! That's it! A nationwide Bake-Off to uncover the terrorists! Imagine the dismay of the arrogant terrorist when he cannot make his cake rise appropriately, or he forgets to put the egg into the casserole!!

Of course we would risk a deadly food fight as some of the luckless tried to flee, but that's just the chance you have to take in these "times of war."
I hate misinformationist bullshit 27.May.2004 09:52

hmm...who are the terrorists?

a) People who appear overdressed for Summer weather or are wearing bulky clothing that might conceal weapons or bombs.

I seem to recall a lot of people in my life time over-dressed in summer. None of them were terrorists. My grandfather wheres a sweater in August, but I can assure you that he's not a terrorist. Even though he could probobly hide a 9mm under there.

b) People who appear nervous or anxious and might be pacing

I get nervous and anxious. Doesn't everybody?

c) People displaying a greater-than-average interest in mass transit

What does that mean? Like some guy waiting for the MAX or subway?

d) People using angry or derogatory language about the US

Uh...That's not uncommon on this site.

e) Anyone bragging about how their religion is the best (or something to that effect)

My religion is the best. Christianity.

The terrorist are known as AL-CIAda 27.May.2004 11:11

Bird dog

Another cooked up one world government white wash!

Follow the money trail!

I also heard... 27.May.2004 11:52

radio listener

I heard on pdx imc radio that they also said to be on the lookout for "people who smell like chemicals and have wires sticking out of their clothing"! Electricians, you better watch out!

danger 27.May.2004 14:04

will robinson

"a) People who appear overdressed for Summer weather or are wearing bulky clothing that might conceal weapons or bombs

b) People who appear nervous or anxious and might be pacing

c) People displaying a greater-than-average interest in mass transit

d) People using angry or derogatory language about the US

e) Anyone bragging about how their religion is the best (or something to that effect)"

Whatever you do, do NOT let the Gospel Mission convert you, you could be in Guantanamo next. That'd make a-e.

other warnings 27.May.2004 14:22

hiccough

I heard that we need to turn in people who are new to our neighborhoods or those who don't appear to have friends.

tuna casserole 28.May.2004 06:21

Betty Jane from Minnesota

The key is the cream of mushroom soup. Any real American knows there has to be a can of cream of mushroom soup in a tuna casserole.

Ashcroft: The Terrorists could look European 28.May.2004 11:42

better cut your hair short and blend in with the sheeple

lest you get turned in you freakin long haired terrorists. (-;

"Al-Qaida's ideal operatives could be in their late 20s or early 30s and travelling with a family to make them less suspicious, he said.

Our intelligence confirms that al-Qaida is seeking recruits who can portray themselves as Europeans."

 http://www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,12271,1225676,00.html
ADAM YAHIHYE GADAHN A 25-year-old U.S. citizen - aka  Adam Pearlman
ADAM YAHIHYE GADAHN A 25-year-old U.S. citizen - aka Adam Pearlman

Alien Foodstuffs 28.May.2004 11:46

Betty Crocker

A Tunnel o'Fudge Cake would completely befuddle them. I heard that during WWII Danes could recognize German agents because they couldn't pronounce a certain Danish dish correctly and were always too forward about wanting dessert. Of course those things would never work as criteria here where most Americans are far to eager to eat anything and in great quantities.

Facial Hair Next? 28.May.2004 13:21

Curious George

I'm waiting for Ashcroft to start homing in on anybody with a beard or mustache. If I weren't already in trouble for anxiety, complaining about US policies, and displaying a greater-than-average interest in mass transit, I would be toast. Thank God I don't smell of chemicals but really . . . how world class stupid would a terrorist have to be to go about in public, bundled up like a snowman, reeking of chemicals with wires sticking out of his clothing, praising Allah in a loud voice and pacing around in an agitated way at a bus depot? "Arrest me! Arrest me!" I laughed my butt off when I read that one.

Instilling Fear 28.May.2004 21:56

Rocky Rockysma1@msn.com

More coverup for failed domestic policies
Four more years of Bush, we'll all be on Prozac

These are dangerous times... 29.May.2004 07:33

Pravda or Consequences

Just wait 'till the water runs out, you aint't seen nothin' yet.

Stop Whining and Offer an alternative !! 20.Jun.2004 05:40

Hueman in NH robertj.mcmaster@comcast.net

You extreme lefties have the right to say whatever you want but could one of you babies please offer an alternative to the suggestions Ridge made. These were just guidelines for people that don't have a clue of the danger we face. He was just telling us to use common sense. Don't read so much into everything Washington says. You sound like a bunch of paranoid fools. Do something positive to help us win this war or do you prefer an islamic government. The more you bitch, the happier Bin Laden is. He knows he's winning hearts in the USA. He will cut those hearts out of your chests if he ever meets up with you. Whos side are you on ?