portland independent media center  
images audio video
newswire article commentary united states

alternative media | arts and culture | media criticism


Parody news and disinformation from the original All The News To Give You Fits crew at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat.
Pataphysical Monopoly System

WASHINGTON (PMS) While some observers were stunned on Monday when President Fubar W. Ubu praised the leadership and courage of Defense Secretary Donald C. Rumsfeld in light of one of the most embarrassing human rights abuse scandals since the My Lai massacre and the siege of St. Petersburg, most liberals were left aghast this morning when the president announced plans to invade and rename Belgium in honor of the cabinet official who served as U.S. ambassador to NATO there in the early 1970s.

"I just got so many e-mails and phone calls in support of this courageous man, this strong man, who is doing a superb job, after I made those comments on Monday, that I just had to respond with some transubstantive action that speaks prouder than verbs," the president explained when asked about reports that a Marine expeditionary force had landed in Brussels and captured the Royal Palace, hoisting the newly adopted flag of the Duchy of McRumsfeld atop the famed landmark.

Apparently the president was not kidding on Monday when he thanked the incompetent megalomaniac for his leadership, noting that he was "courageously leading our nation in my reelection campaign war against terror. You're doing a superb job. You're a strong secretary of defense and our nation owes you a debt of gratitude."

According to sources at the Government Accounting Office, taxpayers will be paying off their debt of gratitude to this douchebag for the next three or four generations.

Copyright 2004, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Accept no substitutes.

Leading the blind since 1896.

homepage: homepage: http://homepage.mac.com/garyligi/iblog/index.html
address: address: P.O. Box 430, Banks, OR 97106

Renaming Belgium 12.May.2004 09:20

Teddy Ruxpin

On the lighter side, if we make advances in cryogenics, I can sleep until the debt is paid off, and then when I awaken I can enjoy a hearty breakfast of Rummy Waffles, have some Freedon Fries for lunch and a big heaping bowl of bile for dinner.

Unless I get drafted, then I will just be tortured and killed on TV by the, *ahem* "bad guys."

Why is it the *ahem* "bad guys" are not looking so evil these days, compared to the "good guys?"

BRILLIANT ! 12.May.2004 09:34

glen theKnownUniverse@yahoo.com

Nobody tops our local wags.

503 287 3473

Re: Teddy 12.May.2004 13:35

August W.

You asked, "Why is it the *ahem* "bad guys" are not looking so evil these days, compared to the "good guys?" "

Evil is obviously in the eye of the beholder. There is no equivalency between the torture and tactics employed by various Islamic radical groups and those abuses - both real and alleged - that the U.S. is "guilty" of. (note the word, "radical;", I'm not not condemning the other 900 million Muslims - but we're not fighting them, either).

perfectly equivalent 12.May.2004 14:00

a messenger

"We" kill people in horrible ways.

"They" kill people in horrible ways.

War is horrible; haven't we all heard?

And it will continue to get worse unless people start thinking and acting in new and different ways.

If you think you're outraged now, just wait for what's to come if we continue down this path.

Of course, as history has shown, more abuses are used to justify more violence and further abuses.

We (humans) should learn; we (humans) can do a lot better than this.