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daniel pipes and university censorship- a story

well, 'tis a little piece I wrote on mr. pipes and his mccarthyist ways. Tell me what you think, and feel free to use as you wish.
By Kim Carsons

The Great Traveling Neocon Circus wheels into town; Daniel Pipes fingers his top hat perched on a cart pulled by two elephants. Faster! Black Marias pull up each dispensing some two dozen men in suits muttering "No this is not appropriate..."

Pipes as Ringmaster: "Would I want these teachings? As much as I would want Hitler or Stalin's verse taught in our schools we must raise the next generation respectful..." Falwell and Robertson nod assent. "The greatest plague is leftism, pan-Islamism, feminism, untied shoes, purveyors of gin. What our saviour and lord has no place amongst these brats?"

The University Of The Future opens two days later and the Ringmaster is on hand with list of banned phrases and suspicious persons. "This is a new era in tolerance. Master and Servant shall live together in eternal happiness forever." The place is indeed named EDEN. From out of nowhere a grizzled humanities prof blurts out "But the United States foreign policy is soaked in years of blood."

Shame! Disrespecting our closest allies, calling the purveyors of democracy to an ailing world butchers? The man is dragged off screaming Mercy Mercy. "Brick up that bay window" orders the Ringmaster. He curses a grinning Pat Robertson, "How can I offer these people an alternate reality if you keep calling it sinful? START THE PURGES!"

Twelve hundred men in suits descend on Eden University, "Our mission is to flush out agitators". They trail each individual student "You are supporting terror?" Surveillance cameras spring up like kudzu. The reward of two percentage points extra for each "subversive" exposed is offered. Riot cops tear out lockers, storm the dorms. Three students are expelled for allegedly flying the Israeli flag upside-down. The fine-arts wing becomes a tribunal; "Degenerate art anyways! Five-year-olds will see that penis...The Children!"

While within the head office the Ringmaster ponders "How do I destroy all these perverted texts without appearing fascist?" The solution is to grind them to pulp. A newsprint-making factory springs up. A committee of twelve oversees all new textbooks. "Now this reference to slavery is factually incorrect".

Outside the American Empire disintegrates under a cloud of noxious gases; bloated bureaucrats dance about under billboards of sexy white couples. The suburb flanking the east windows is now all tenements; those windows are bricked over too. "We must fight terror in the name of the free world!" screams a CIA operative. Televisions in the dorms are set to receive only the News, a channel broadcast out of a government bunker. The tanning salons are closed for making ordinary people look Arab.

President seizes a third term under national security laws...anyone mentioning democracy is sent before the Inquisitors. "Why do you use the leftist-rag definition you faggot?" A statue of Daniel Pipes goes up OUR FOUNDER. Meanwhile the Mideast teeters under the attacks of the Bearers Of Truth militia- "We will dismantle each and every religious Nation , each and every State." Riots break out world-wide. The Amazon and Congo crumble to desert dust. Masons brick up the remaining windows. It is now forbidden to discuss the Outside again. Television stations broadcast 24-hour coverage of the lives of Hollywood celebs. Two days later the President orders the tanks into the streets.

Snaking through mayhem is a small red van which pulls up to the gates of Eden University. The crew inside is met by a weary Ringmaster tired grey and walking with a cane. He leads them inside to the first of the bricked-over windows.

"Paint something nice..."