DEMORATS NOMINATE HITLER!
A funny as hell spoof for all the Phony Progressives and other white Liberal idiots.
Democrats nominate Hitler
by Ran Prieur
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
BOSTON. After switching their allegiance from anarcho-communist Howard
Dean to ultra-liberal John Kerry, and then to liberal John Edwards, on
the final day of their convention Democrats switched one last time to
extreme moderate Adolf Hitler, convinced that he's the man who has the
best chance of beating Bush.
"This election has never been about issues," said Democratic Party
spokesman Heinrich Himmler. "It's not about whether we go to war, about
military spending, or taxes, or the federal budget, or the environment,
or civil liberties, or even abortion. That's the kind of starry-eyed
idealism that killed us in '72. This election is about one thing --
getting that bastard Bush out of there, that lying, draft-dodging,
coke-snorting, beady-eyed, stupid, bad, bad person. Hate him! Hate him!
General Hermann Goering, an early supporter of Hitler's campaign,
agreed. "Clearly, for the Democratic Party to be relevant, they have to
capture the presidency, and the way to do it is by moving farther and
farther to the center. John Kerry is a war veteran, and voted for the
Iraq war, but he's haunted by his anti-war background. After September
11, that's just not going to play in the heartland, or in the South.
Hitler, on the other hand, has always been pro-war. He's called for the
liberation of Iran, Syria, Venezuela, Canada, even Europe. On national
defense and the war on terror, he's even more moderate than Bush!"
Moderation, says columnist Joseph Goebbels, is the key. "On so many
issues, such as his proposals to clear-cut the national forests, to put
all dissidents into detention facilities, to double defense spending, to
abolish all corporate taxes, to prohibit labor unions, and to conquer
the world in a thousand year American homeland, Hitler makes the other
Democrats, and even Bush, look like raving Green Party radicals,
tree-hugging, granola-eating, flower-sniffing hippie-anarchists. If
moderate means making your opponents look liberal in comparison, and
clearly that's exactly what it means, then Hitler is as moderate as they
Senator Joseph Lieberman has enthusiastically endorsed Hitler's
campaign. "At last," Lieberman said, "we have a candidate who will do
something about degenerate culture, about all the filth coming out of
Hollywood, someone who will clean up those stinking subhumans who have
defiled the purity of American culture. I think this will be a final
When asked about Hitler's repeated statements that he wants to kill all
Jews, Lieberman laughed. "We know he's not really going to do that. That
would be absurd. I mean, some of his best friends are Jews. No, he's
just a tough talker. Americans like that -- it's presidential."
Although Democrats rank Hitler consistently low (roughly 0%) in terms of
personal agreement with his policies, most of them are happily falling
behind him. Says Cedar Rapids activist Wendy Pipkin, "I mean, if I could
pick anyone I wanted, it would be Dennis Kucinich, but the people can't
just pick anyone they want. This is a democracy, which means you have to
pick someone who people believe other people will vote for, and nobody
will vote for Kucinich because, you know, nobody will vote for him.
Hitler gives us a real chance to get a Democrat back in the White House."
But not everyone agrees. Some Democrats are nervous about Hitler's
candidacy, like Seattle precinct committee officer Richard Shodley.
" Hitler's a vegetarian," he says, wringing his hands, "and he's made
statements that could be construed as sympathetic to animal rights
activists. If the Republicans get their hands on that, they can nail him
to the wall in November. I'm just afraid it gives them too much
ammunition. What I really fear is, Bush could still win."
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