BUSH LIED TO ME - BY CHRIS ROCK
All this celebrity news is just some bullshit to get your mind off the war.
I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room. To get your mind off the war. He sent the girl to Kobe's room. He took the little boy to Michael Jackson's house.
Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was fucking Paris Hilton. All of this shit is to get your mind off the war.
Bush lied to me, man. He said we got to move on Iraq because they're the most dangerous regime on earth.
If they're so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country?
You couldn't take over the Bronx in two weeks. Youd need a month to get the Grand Concourse, man.
They're looking for weapons of mass destruction. They can't even find a whiffle-ball bat.
I didn't go to no fancy school or no shit, but weren't we after bin Laden.
What the fuck happened?
When I heard we were after Hussein, I was like, really?
That's so 80s. The whole war feels like a bad VH1 special.
Hussein is back. And Bush is back. And Cheney is back. And Paula Abdul is back.
Shit, before you know it, it'll be Hammer time again.
Republicans are fucking idiots and Democrats are fucking idiots and conservatives are fucking idiots and liberals are fucking idiots.
Pretty much anyone that makes up their mind before they hear the issues is a fool, O.K.?
I'm just saying the world's addicted to distraction. It's the oldest drug in the book, distraction. We know what has to be done. We know how to do it. But it never gets done because we're addicted to distraction.
My only job in life is to keep my daughter off the pole.
If your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up.
I do have a problem with the stripper myth. The stripper myth is, 'I'm stripping to pay my tuition. No you're not! If there's all these strippers in college, then how come I never got a smart lap dance. I've never had a girl sit on my lap and say, 'If I was you, I'd diversify my portfolio. Ever since the end of the Cold War, I found NATO obsolete.'
Men! You marry, have kids. You live to be about 38. Don't get me wrong, guys. You'll breathe another 40 years, but the living is over.
You're a fucking dead man... Your life's fucking over. Ain't no new shit happening to you. You want to see new, look at your kids. You don't think you're dead, look at your parents. Mom, alive. Dad, dead.
Whatever job a man got at 35 and he's married with kids, he gonna have that job for the rest of his fucking life! Don't try to tell your wife you're going to find your spirit.
'Honey, I'm not happy. I'm not fulfilled. I need to find my spirit.'
And she says 'You better take your ass back to work. And find some overtime.'