WRITE IN MICKEY MOUSE
NOVEMBER 4. My name is Mickey Mouse and I'm running for president.
I have greater name recognition than the Pope and I openly work for a corporation. I have no hidden backers.
I will feed you sugar, pig entrails, and sawdust, and you'll feel good.
I have no policy agenda, I rarely speak in public, and I never attend a funeral or tour a disaster area.
Being happy is my only goal, and I've done pretty well with it.
I never wage war, I never sign agreements, I never issue executive orders.
You do not need to entertain high expectations for my presidency and then later face disappointment.
If you vote me out of office after one term, I will maintain my good cheer.
I will never occupy the White House. I will stay in Florida and California.
I will not need a staff of fast-talking aides who gauge my every move on the basis of how the people will react.
The West Wing will not try to approximate my style.
I will not give speeches filled with phrases aimed at winning your approval.
I approve of myself.
I have limited objectives.
My largest constituency does not even vote.
I am an actor, but I only play one role.
I can represent either party.
If words are put in my mouth, you will recognize the deception immediately.
I make Ronald Reagan, George W Bush, and Bill Clinton look like geniuses.
I never went to college, so I am of the people.
If I am assassinated in office, another version of myself can be installed in an hour.
I am already a myth, so I don't need public-relations.
I can take blandness to a whole new level.
In deciding whether to vote for me, you don't need to imagine I have more than I appear to have. You don't need to agonize over me as you do over Howard Dean or General Clark. I'm easy.
I never flub a word or a phrase in public.
I never feel your pain.
Everyone, high or law, looks the same to me.
Foreign rulers will see me as an appropriate representative of the culture of America. They will not wonder about the president.
If I am ridiculed by Jon Stewart on The Daily Show, I'll take it in stride.
Every night, on the network news, you'll be able to hear Dan Rather, Brian Williams, and Peter Jennings say President Mickey Mouse.
JON RAPPOPORT www.nomorefakenews.com