A CEO Speaks Out
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing today to share my impressions of the August 21st Bush Celebration in Portland. I was able to attend while my no-health care minimum wage temp employees sat in on my weekly board meeting for me. Now that I am back in the office, I've released those employees as a cost cutting measure.
I felt compelled to come out to show support for America's CEO and Commander and Chief Bush. You may have seen me with my "CEO's for war" and "Business is Booming" placard, wresting the burning American flags from the black clad Anarchists and shouting down the UNIONIZERS (gads! Is that still legal?) leading the march.
I believe that the Bush administration has done wonders to improve the climate for Business in these modern times. Of course we still have to contend with the business-hostile environment in Portland which clings to such antiquated and wasteful notions such as "living wages", "growth management" and "social services". I'm also glad that people are finally coming to their senses about the environmental yoke that pagan terrorists have placed on hard working people who are just trying to make a living off the land. When Bush rolls back environmental protections in favor of my bottom line, I feel like I'm getting a return on my investment. I mean look at the Willamette - compared to the 1900's it may be almost clean enough to drink... but where's the bustling commerce and river traffic of long ago? Good for the environment, bad for business.
In total, I was shocked, shocked I tell you, at the lost productivity of more than 2000 protesters yesterday. I gently reminded them that they should get back to working and get back to shopping. Go home and watch TV and try and figure out what Brand you want. Once you figure that out (be it Nike or Gap or McDonalds) go down to the mall and get Branded. If you can't figure out what Herd you belong to, just grab the nearest flag and join the National herd. Personally, you probably wouldn't know my brand. I head up one of the companies that deals directly with my friends in government on defense contracts. You're a part of my herd and don't even know it even though I control half of your tax dollars.
I do have to say I was a little confused about what the protesters were trying to accomplish yesterday. Do they think Bush, personally, is sitting in smoke filled back rooms with shadowy figures twiddling their waxed mustaches hatching plans for global Empire? Hardly... Bush is just our cuddly king, a red herring. He has plenty of professional support staff to do his mustache twiddling for him, most of which have been professional twiddlers for decades with plenty of experience under Bush Sr, Reagan and Nixon. You protesters show up for a couple hours and yell at the buildings and cops, but it puts me at ease to know that people like the Project for the New American Century are working full time every day to make sure things are going along as planned (and they getting paid for it and you aren't). If the media get outraged about some fib the administration told (like, you know, our reason for war), then just resign someone in the cabinet and send them off to work on the re-election campaign.
I was most surprised about the number of people who came up asking me if I was serious or not. Oh believe me honey, I'm serious one of Cheney's heart attacks! Why don't these people learn that it's much more satisfying to identify with a winner? Cause Bush is going to be the first president to take all 50 states! All this talk about "Freedom"- when will they realize that the freedom they want is "paper or plastic", "regular or premium", and "visa or mastercard"? What more could you ask for? Freedom to get all up in a knot about how America's "takin care of business" in other countries? If the "kids" ran the "household", we'd come home with bags full of candy and soda every time we went grocery shopping and our house would fall into disarray. Seriously, please leave these matters to the professionals.
Alfred S. Moneybags