For immediate Release
Media contact: Crispy Todd Whiteman
U.S. Environmental Procrastination Agency
April 22, 2003
The nominal director of the U.S. Environmental Procrastination Agency (EPA) announced today that Earth Day has been canceled in keeping with the Administrations lack of interest in the health of the planet. Crispy Todd Whiteman sent a memo to all EPA staff informing them of the change and suggested they spend the time they normally would on greenwashing efforts and empty gestures usually associated with the occasion, to further the work of assisting corporations in the rape and torture of the Earth.
"We here at the EPA know well the meaning of multiple-use of the planets' resources and partnering with big business in the important work of taking out the ecosphere" noted Whiteman. "The time for whining about so-called global warming and the mass extinction of most species is over. No longer is there a need for bothersome rules and regulations that serve only to hamper America's progress. Why have an Earth Day when so much of the Earth as we knew it is gone? What has the planet ever done for us but rain on our picnics and soccer games, or make it difficult to find a good parking spot because of bothersome topography."
Whiteman further pointed out that the WAR AGAINST EVIL TERRORISTS!!! (and those who give them aid and comfort) requires that money usually directed toward protecting what remains of the biosphere would be better spent funding important work like arming commercial airline pilots with rocket launchers and getting rid of all those FREAKS!!! doing tree sits. She listed some thirty ways EPA funds could be used in the fight against TERRORIST HEATHENS!!!! Some of the suggestions included the deportation of those who refuse to stand-up for the Pledge of Allegiance; the summary execution of flag-burners; mandatory haircuts for those scruffy crunchy-granola types; and the banning of such writings as Thoreau's "Walden" and Leopold's "A Sand County Almanac".
Whiteman also informed staff members that in the near future all existing EPA vehicles will be replaced with Humvees especially equipped for the rugged work of ruining the last remaining pristine areas under federal administration. Reportedly, some staff members have been complaining about having to plug-in their electric vehicles at the close of the day, saying a potential exists for lower back strain or worse, soiling of their hands.
For more information contact EPA at :
Environmental Protection Agency
1200 Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W.
Washington, DC 20460