BUREAU OF IRAQI AFFAIRS
Formed March 20, 2003
Dear People of Iraq,
Now that you have been liberated from your tyrannical oppressors, we at
the BIA look forward to our relationship with you. Below you will
find a list of what to expect from the services of our good offices.
1. Henceforth, English will be the spoken language of all government and
associated offices. If you do not speak English, a translator fluent in
German will be provided.
2. All Iraqi people will apply for a spot on a citizen roll. Citizenship
will be open to those people who can prove that they are Iraqi back
four generations with documents issued by
the United States. Christian church records may also be given in
3. All hospitals will be issued with a standard
emergency aid kit. The kit contains gauze, band aids, burn cream, iodine,
tweezers, and duct tape.
4. Your oil is to be held in trust for you. We will appoint your new
American approved government a lawyer with a background in the oil
industry. Never mind that he works for the company that
he will eventually cut a deal with. This close relationship will
guarantee you more money for your oil.
5. Each Citizen will be allotted one hundred acres of prime Iraqi
desert. They will be issued plows, hoes, seed corn and the King James
Bible. All leftover land will be open to settlement by Israelis.
6. Each Citizen is entitled to draw a ration of milk, sugar, flour and
lard. If you can not use the rations for health or religious reasons
you may file a complaint with your BIA appointed
liaisons, Crisco. Those Iraqis showing signs of diabetes, heart disease,
or glaucoma will be issued with double rations in place of adequate
7. We will mismanage your trust monies, allowing any five year old with
minimal computer skills to hack into the system and set up their own
account. Records of your accounts will be kept,
but you must receive express written permission from the head of the BIA
to examine them.
8. In keeping with the separation of Church and State supported by the
US constitution, Christian missionaries will be sponsored through
government funding. Only Iraqis who convert to
Christianity will be allowed to hold jobs within the government.
9. For the purposes of treaty making, any single Iraqi will be found
competent to sign on behalf of all other Iraqis.
10. Welcome to the Free World and have a nice day!