A letter to the London Observer from Terry Jones (ex Monty Python).
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's
running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really
pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.
Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me
queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me,
but so far I haven't been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's
got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel,
don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he
is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them
that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my
neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But
that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a
crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red
tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and
all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible
things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people.
Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of
automaticfirearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until
recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has
made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can
wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully
thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about
international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim
fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few
Muslim countries that have never threatened us.
That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and
children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in
peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is
that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass
destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much
justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has
for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer
place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever
long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How
will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single
terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's
committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the
ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists,
being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future
terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every
Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might
convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be
for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street. Mr
Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of
other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look
at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all
out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using
the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.
Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason
for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole
street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all
aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar
terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say
'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. It's
just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to
what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.