Washington, DC (AP) - pResident Bush received his State of the Union speech today, according to sources within the White House.
"The State of the Union was delivered to the pResident's office on Sunday morning," said White House communications director Dan Bartlett. "Hot off the press."
Bartlett explained that the pResident, who is known by most Americans to be a man who cannot string two coherent thoughts together, could never come close to writing a 30-minute speech skirting frank discussion on the dismal state of America's economy, a crumbling health care system that leaves over 40 million Americans out of the picture entirely, or an unjustifiable war on the people of Iraq that is desired only by a small group of White House insiders and corporate executives.
"I mean, c'mon," Bartlett said. "The guy [pResident Bush] is a complete fool. This whole pResidency is a full-time scam on the American people that started after the judicial coup that put him here [in the White House]. It takes much of the Executive branch of the US government, as well as a complicit Congress and media to pull it off."
Sources say the speech was written by an unnamed, 35-year old graduate of an Ivy League school who has a windowless bunker deep below ground in the White House complex.
The text will be displayed on at least three teleprompter monitors placed in front of Bush during his live speech. No matter what direction Bush looks, the speech will be directly in his field of vision, giving him the illusion of eye contact with the carefully selected audience in attendance.
In case of teleprompter malfunction, a tiny implant has been placed in Bush's right ear so a staffer off-stage can feed him the speech. In the unlikely event of both a teleprompter and an ear implant malfunction, the pResident will be shot by Vice pResident Dick Cheney.
Communications director Bartlett believes the speech will come off without a hitch.
"The pResident is a very good reader," he said. "Ever since the judicial coup of January 2001, the pResident has been going to an hour of reading lessons a day, excluding [the pResident's 4-day] weekends.
"With the remarkable improvement in his reading skills, it only takes a massive dose of muscle relaxers with a Bourbon chaser to get the pResident in front of the American people to read the speech."