Fantasy Terrorism League!
Anyone up for Fantasy Terrorism?!?
Check it out here or just read on!
Fantasy Terrorism!These days it seems that any sports fan worth his salt can't escape the fantasy sports craze. Every major internet sports site—including the Sports Illustrated site, the ESPN site and all of the official sites of major American professional sports leagues (NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL)—allows fans to live the dream of running a sports franchise. Your friends have all joined at least one Yahoo! Fantasy league, and spend most of their days discussing player injuries, comparing statistics and suggesting stingy trades to the fellow "owners" in their leagues. American sports radio stations even broadcast entire shows devoted to fantasy sports and their would-be-Steinbrenners.
Well folks, the eXile sports desk never misses a chance jump on a bandwagon. And in response to this fantasy craze currently sweeping the States, we've come up with the latest, greatest fantasy league, guaranteed to captivate sports fans worldwide: Fantasy Terrorism!
That's right, the eXile is giving you, the eXhole, a chance to compete in the eXile's first annual Fantasy Terrorism League, in which you will be able create your own team by selecting some of the most feisty and talented terrorist organizations across the globe! Read on to find out how YOU can compete...and win BIG!
The league will consist of six teams, each of which will consist of six terrorist organizations—or "players"—to be drafted by the eXhole team owners.
The most thrilling event of any fantasy league in the draft. This is the first chance for the owners to show their opponents that they have the front-office skills, savvy and know-how to build a championship team.
In the 2002 Fantasy Terrorism Draft, the six owners will build their six-man rosters from the list of 36 terrorist organizations, 35 of which make up the U.S. Government's current list of Designated Foreign Terrorist Organizations. We've added the Chechens to this list in light of their recent plucky performance on Dubrovka.
There will be a lottery immediately preceding the draft to decide drafting order.
You can bet that our eXhole owners will be waiting with bated breath to see who gets the vaunted number one draft choice. But who will be drafted first?
You might decide to choose al Qaeda and go with the air-it-out strategy, desperately looking for another big-time play like the Doug Flutie hail-mary that was the September 11 attack.
Or you may opt for a "three schoolyards and a cloud of dust" strategy and rack up low-casualty-but-steady suicide-bombing numbers by taking Hamas with the number one pick. No one ever said the Palestinians couldn't move the chains...
And don't forget about the tenacious Tamil Tigers, whose negotiator Anton Balasingham recently told an Oslo peace conference that further violence in Sri Lanka could not be ruled out!
To assist our owners in the draft and to give you fantasy freaks the inside scoop on this season's ringers and duds, we've created the eXile 2002-03 Fantasy Terrorism Draft Guide (see adjacent article).
The eXile's Fantasy Terrorism league will use the Rotisserie scoring system, in which each team will be ranked against the other 5 teams in different categories. The team with the highest rank in a category will receive 6 points for that category, the second best 5, and so on. The team with the lowest rank in a category will receive 1 point for that category. The sum of the points for each category at the end of the season will determine a team's final score. The team with the highest score will be declared league champion. The following statistical categories will be used:
Publicity the Carter Factor (gets Jimmy Carter involved)
For categories more subjective in nature-such as creativity, versatility and publicity-the eXile sports desk will use specially-designed eXile U-sir-friendly fantasy terrorism software. This revolutionary software—not yet available to consumers—has been designed to analyze and produce consistent, fair and accurate statistical evaluations of each terrorist group's performance in these difficult-to-quantify categories.
A weighted evaluation will also be applied in the "kills" category, using the following scale:
= 1000 brown peasants
= 10 Europeans (including Russians)
= 5 Commonwealth English speakers
= 2 Israelis
Should there be a tie between owners at the conclusion of the season, the owner whose terrorist organization produced the best CNN.com photo over the course of the season—as judged by the eXile League commissioners—will be crowned champion.
Lodging a Complaint
Anyone filing a formal complaint with the eXile League Commissioner will be automatically ejected from the league. The complainant's name and address will also be passed on to the current top-ranked terrorist organization for further penalties, which can range from crank phone calls to violent death.
The eXile 2002-03 Fantasy Terrorism League will commence at 12:00am the day after the draft, at which point terrorist organizations will be eligible to tally points for their respective teams. The season will end at 12:00 am on April 15—IRS tax-filing day, the only date on which Americans give any serious thought to violence against the state. On April 15, 2003, all scores will be totaled, and the winner will be announced in the next issue of the eXile.
What happens if an owner feels he's getting no production out of his supposed ringer? What if he wants to change his strategy mid-season from a suicide-boming-led offense to higher-octane hijack attack? Well, throughout the season, team owners will have the option of trading players with other owners. No need to worry about a salary cap or luxury tax: any owner interested in a trade can simply email the suggested trade to the League Commissioner, who will then forward the offer to the other owner. If both owners agree, the trade will be implemented. It's THAT easy.
In an effort to keep the integrity of the league, a deadline for trades will be imposed at 12:01 AM (Moscow time) April 1, 2003. No trades will be allowed after that time.
The winner of the first annual eXile Fantasy Terrorism League will win a round trip plane ticket from Moscow to Tbilisi courtesy of the eXile! From Tbilisi, our winning eXhole can make his way to the Pankisi Gorge for a thrilling terrorism excursion! The less adventurous winner can just stay in the Georgian capital and enjoy the food, sites and hospitality of the country formerly known as "Italy of the Soviet Union"! We're serious here, folks. Tbilisi. On us.
The eXile equivalent of the "participant" ribbon given to special-ed kids in elementary school competitions will be presented to those owners finishing any lower than first place. Such items might include: used eXile t-shirts, as we can't seem to get new ones printed up; the eXile baseball cap of Sex Machine Jake Rudnitsky—currently MIA in Tynda; a certificate for a free massage from our very own John "Flounder" Heisel; and much, much more...
So hurry up and write us today! Be the first in your neighborhood to join the 2002-03 eXile Fantasy Terrorism League! All the cool kids are doing it!
Draft Guide 2002-03
Abu Nidal Organization
The star, Abu N., got himself blasted in Baghdad—and without him, the rest of the team is probably shaking down Gyros stands in Damascus by now.
Abu Sayyaf Group
These Philippino beach-bums surfed in on a big wave of publicity after they started kidnapping Westerners from Mindanao resorts. Can they ride the wild surf, or are they just another one-hit wipeout?
Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade
Would you die for Arafat? Well, these guys would—and do, on a pretty regular basis. There must be one hell of a coach out there in the slums of Jenin!
Ass-butt who? Where? As if there aren't enough "Al-something" gangs around. If these knockoffs want respect, let them kill somebody famous. Till then they can write a letter to the editor.
Armed Islamic Group (GIA)
When they said "terror," they meant it: BBQing babies, impaling their moms, building cairns of villager-meat. They managed to terrorize even their supporters, and are now feared and hated everywhere in Algeria, losing out to the Salafists (see below).
These are the morons who gassed the Tokyo subways on orders from their Manson, a fat monk straight out of Akira. To their surprise, the world failed to end—but their terrorist careers sure did.
Basque Fatherland and Liberty (ETA)
These quaint Cro-mags run a tidy little boutique-terror operation. They play within their limits, whacking the occasional cop or pol and avoiding too many civilian kills.
The toughest team the Israelis faced since leaving Lebanon, HAMAS took the Shiites' offensive scheme and brought it to the West Bank. They didn't invent the exploding vest, but they made it the biggest terrorist menswear news of the decade.
Another "al-" gang. This one works out of Kashmir, where it competes with about six other Muslim village-slaughtering teams. None of them have any name recognition, and nobody cares who kills who in Kashmir anyway. Harakrishna al-muthafucka, muthafuckahs!
These are the 'don't-give-a-Shiite!' car-bombers who convinced the Israelis South Lebanon wasn't worth the trouble. They won at home, but like so many ambitious terrorist groups, they have to prove they can take their act on the road. They have the desire; do they have the game to match?
They're not as big as HAMAS, but this is a young franchise with a depth-chart full of West Bank kids who dream of stepping onto an Israeli bus, pulling a string, and waking up to the admiring gaze of 64 heavenly virgins. If desire and C-4 can take a team to the top, Islamic Jihad will be there.
Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan
Every 'Stan needs an Islamic Crazies' Movement, and Uzbekistan has the IMU. But their leader died in Kunduz and they're in a rebuilding phase. But with that huge Uzbek birthrate and no economy worth mentioning, the IMU can draw on a big pool of local talent.
Jihad (Egyptian Islamic Jihad)
Are the great days over for these old-school Al's? The talent-pool has dried up since the Egyptian police went to work with pliers and cattle prods on al-Jihad's offensive line. Many of their best signed as free agents with other franchises; the rest are keeping the mummies company.
Same old story: Kashmir. Muslim. Kill a lot of villagers. Nobody cares.
Kahane Chai (Kach)
"Kahane Chai" translates "Kahane Lives." Nah he don't. Meir Kahane, the Bobby Knight of Zionism, was offed by a towelhead NY cabbie years ago. Since then his Army of Dweebness has made a lot of noise but not much else. Why join Kach when you can join the IDF?
Kurdistan Workers' Party
One of the saddest stories in sports, this is an all-Madden team: tough, brave, always giving 110%... but not too smart. They took on the Turks, the Iranians, the Iraqis, and got shot, gassed, bombed, tortured, starved... will their luck ever change? Hell no. Just look at a map, guys! The atlas hates you!
Lashkar-e-Tayyiba ("Army of the Faithful")
Army of the unpronounceable. Another gang straight outta Kashmir, but unlike the other Islamic Kashmiri throatslitters' associations, LET doesn't just want a Halal Kashmir: it wants conversion by the sword of the whole damn Subcontinent. This is a franchise that aims high—with the help of Pakistani Intelligence, their oxymoronic backers.
Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE)
This may just be the best terrorist organization in the world. They're big, quiet, ruthless, and adaptable. They invented the suicide-bomber vest, and used it along with large-scale conventional warfare to turn Sri Lanka, former paradise, into Hell on Earth. If the LTTE ever takes a hankering after Oregon, sell that cabin in Bend pronto.
Unpredictable, with big potential and some serious problems in coaching and strategy. An army of anti-Khomeini Iranians, MeKh has 30,000 soldiers ready to march on Tehran. They're armed and fed by Saddam; that's one of their problems. With friends like him... .Their other problem is simpler: the other 60 million Iranians, who consider MeKh traitors. That's MeKh: all dressed up and nowhere to go.
Palestine Liberation Front/Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine/PFLP-GC
These are the alphabet soup left by the breakup of an older generation of Palestinian guerrilla groups. Since Hamas, Islamic Jihad and Al-Aqsa entered the Israel Conference, none of these top-heavy has-beens has meant a damn thing.
Everybody's first-round choice—but are they worth taking with the number-one pick? No group ever had a debut like Al-Q did on 9/ll. If Bigfoot had raped Queen Victoria on BBC 1, it wouldn't have had half the impact of seeing 3,000 investment bankers turn into ash when the towers went down. Al Q will always matter; the question is whether it's as dead legends or live bombers.
"Real" my ass. The REAL real IRA was a formidable, disciplined group—but it declared peace and went into politics six years ago. These losers stepped into those big shoes and fell on their freckled faces, killing 29 bystanders and running to hide in their Dundalk basements. Basking sharks are scarier.
The biggest, toughest rebels in Colombia—the bloodiest culture on this planet. They may have a silly acronym, but a farce they ain't. Luckily, they never messed with other countries... but if the US keeps fucking with them, that could change. If it does, we'll look back on Al-Qa'ida as quaint, harmless pranksters.
Revolutionary Nuclei (formerly ELA)
Some handful of grad students in berets, with beards going gray. Pamphleteers who tinker with bombs to outrad their cafe rivals. Nuclei? Try Neutrinos.
Revolutionary Organization 17 November
Look, it's hard enough remembering Kwanza'a. Want us to remember 17 November? Do something as memorable as your friends did on September 11.
Revolutionary People's Liberation Army/Front (DHKP/C)
Turkish Leftist guerrillas. Turks are serious people, and the DHKP/C used to be a scary group. But Turkish troops and cops are serious too, and there are a lot more of them. They caught a few comrades and tortured the names of the others out of them. Now most DHKP/C cadre are tucked away in their graves, arguing doctrinal mistakes with each others' ghosts.
Salafist Group for Call and Combat
Dumb name, good team. Currently champions of the Algerian terrorism league. Less crazy than the GIA (see above), the Salafists have kept popular support. They're very, very big in France. They have a rough truce with the French spooks and army, but that could change. Watch cette espace.
Shining Path (Sendero Luminoso)
Alas, the ol' Sendero ain't so Luminoso any more for these Peruvian Maoists. They made life in Peru mighty interestin' in the 80s, but once their Jerry-Garcia lookalike warlord got caught they lost the big mo' and never got it back.
United Self-Defense Forces of Colombia (UAC)
These has-beens ain't nuthin compared to the FARC. They must've paid the State Dept. to get listed. Kidnapping the occasional missionary or geologist is about all they're good for these days.
Communist Party of the Philippines/New People's Army (CPP/NPA)
More initials than soldiers in this defunct militia. They did a deal with Manila and went back to teaching in the social science departments of the Philippines' many fine institutions of higher learning. Nobody—in Manila or anywhere else—worries about commies and their sickles, now that the Muslims have taken up the crescent scimitar.
Jemaah Islamiya (JI)
"Don't worry," they said. "JI is just an Islamic study group," they said. Then JI turned the nightclub district of Bali into an inferno, frying 190 Aussie kids alive. Whoops! After that, even the CIA and their Javanese sleaze friends had to admit JI might be a little bit terroristic. But with five years' head start and 100 million Javanese to recruit, JI may be the next big fireball on the terror horizon.
address: Moscow, Russia
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