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actions & protests | bikes/transportation | media criticism a22: bush protest

A fun game: make up critical mass newspaper headline--closest one wins prize!

Fun the whole family!!
Everyone saw the Tribune headline after the Bush protest, right? Something like: "Cops pepper spray crowd as hundreds riot"

That shit cracked me up!

So let's play a game: whoever guesses closest what the Oregonian's headline on the Critical Mass "riot" is wins a prize. I can't think of what the prize is, but I'm sure I have soomething cool around here somewhere.

Here's my entry:
Insane Bicyclists Attack Police, Innocent Motorists
8 Arrested (the number part doesn't count)

For anyone who was not there, the above headline is a joke--this did NOT happen!

The police DID attack, make soome arrests, pepper spray at least one person I hear. The ride was huge--maybe 1000--very hard to say. The only "incidents" I saw or heard of were police assaults on a peaceful ride.
"Police Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim" 30.Aug.2002 22:42

justin

How about "Police Nickel and Dime Peaceful Bike Riders at Red Lights during Obvious Bike Rally and Meet End of the Month Ticketing Quota"? Or, in the spirit of recent Portland Tribune headlines, "Bike Horns and Accordion Players Incite Angry Mob". Okay, so I won't win but I'm hoping for either some honesty or some scandal dammit! :)

Lawless riders incite police crackdown 30.Aug.2002 22:53

2020

Something to do with anger and lawlessness.
Something to do with crackdown.

Of course they won't mention the kids face that was cracked off the hood of a patrol car within 3 blocks of where the ride started. What relevance could that have?

Bike Riot 30.Aug.2002 23:04

Sierra

mob of 30 bicyclists hold up angry commuters, incite riot, police arrest 9

In all seriousness, there were at least 6 people pepper sprayed and over 5 arrests with dozens of tickets. Tthe police told me the bikers were violent but could not explain what was violent about them, and said that they were in a state of emergency from the bike riot. Funny, that I never see them pepper spraying rush hour traffic for global warming.... That the true state of emergency we are in! Thank you all for riding and smiling! Cops head count was at 200 so we know there was at least 500 there!

Well, if they were honest... 30.Aug.2002 23:30

Doug

They'd say, hundreds of cyclists disrupt downtown portland, yelling obscenities running red lights, and blocking intersections. Police overreacted and some got violent. Some cyclists were hurt as a result. Cyclists allowed themselves to be drawn into a ridiculous drama, but overall, had fun.

Headline: 30.Aug.2002 23:49

bush was not elected

New Al-Queda Weapon: Deadly self-propelled assault vehicles used for first time in Portland, OR.

200 cops? 30.Aug.2002 23:57

wombat

That many all together in one place? The most I ever saw at any given time was about a dozen. And some of the squads were leapfrogging the mass, ambushing it multiple times. I'd guess that there were around 50 cops, 100 max. The 500 number for the mass sounds right, once the wussy mass joined up on 2nd Ave. It's difficult to estimate.

My favorite moment was when the cops "closed" Hawthorne Bridge. I asked (several times) when it would reopen, and finally got an answer of "probably after the tail goes by". Sure enough, they reopened it to traffic a few minutes later, only to be stymied by a fraction of the mass (50-100?) trying to use the sidewalk, clearly marked BIKE ROUTE. They finally reopened the bridge (I guess when it became clear that no one was going anywhere, or doing anything arrestable). Maybe someone up front actually talked to them.

Or This 30.Aug.2002 23:57

bush was not elected

Iraq linked to so-called "Bikers for Bin Laden" - President Bush calls for sanctions against Oregon.

tomorrow's headline 31.Aug.2002 02:41

oregonian

Crazed mob of anarchist cyclists savage cops

My Headline... 31.Aug.2002 10:08

Varro

"Terror bikers attack cops, 9 arrested." (Ideal for the Monday "Street Final" Oregonian)

Let's take a page out of Fox's book... 31.Aug.2002 11:37

Aaron a_dublyew@hotmail.com

"When Insane Bicyclists Attack!"

Here's one for Ashcroft 31.Aug.2002 16:41

Gen. John Stark

Sunday Oregonian
"Terrorists and Enemy Combatants Converge: Police protect community."
The monied aristocracy lives on!

Global warming 31.Aug.2002 17:27

SUV lover

"Global Warming caused by wild Critical Mass riders!"

Headline 31.Aug.2002 19:12

wuss

How about..

"Police crack down on axles of evil"

Eureka! The headline of the new millenium! 06.Sep.2002 15:44

Jym Dyer jym@econet.org

=v= The headline writer is deep in thought, pondering the best way to spin the lurid story he's just read. All of a sudden, light dawns, and he pastes up two words:

CRITICAL MESS

"Ha!" he thinks to himself, "That creative writing class has finally paid off. This will really get 'em', it's a Critical Massterpiece. Oh my, I am on a roll!

Self-satisfied, he heads home, picking up some beer (not Bikesummerfest, of course), which he pops open as he sits on the couch. Ahhh. He grabs the remote, only to see a carefully-coiffed anchordroid doing a short promo. "Later tonight, Critical Mass, or Critical [pause for effect] Mess? We'll have the full story at 11:00." The headline writer weeps in his beer. Little does he know that he's just gone through the same burst of originality as 300 other headline writers.