TENSIONS MOUNT AS OREGON AND WASHINGTON WITHDRAW FROM UNION
Tooters International, June 06, 2002.
WASHINGTON, DC (Tooters) - Representatives from the states of
Washington and Oregon just announced that, as of 12 noon today, the
two states would merge into a single province and then separate from
the United States of America. Since Washington and Oregon will no
longer be a part of the lower 48 states as of 12 noon, the Canadian
parliament can now officially consider their application to join the
Confederation as the 11th province.
Winona Laduke, the new coalition leader of the new province, lauded the
decision as "a timely and appropriate response to the right wing
takeover of America during Election 2000". In anticipation of the
decision to separate, Laduke was elected last week via the
old fashion method of voting, a process replaced in the rest of the
United States by the more efficient means of appointing leaders by
the Supreme Court and, in turn, having the appointed leaders appoint
the members of the Supreme Court.
When asked what they would call this new province, Vice-Premier Bono
of U2 replied, "Oh, I don't know. Cascadia sounds like a
pretty good name to me. This whole thing is about sharing, dig?".
Secretary of Rage Zack De La Rocha explains the reason for the abrupt
decision to separate: "The situation was simple: when the White House
outlawed contradancing, that was the last straw. We told LaDuke and
Bono they got two choices: we revolt or we separate.".
As expected, Bill O'Reilly of the Fox News Network disagrees with the
newly appointed Secretary of Rage and responded to his comments by
saying: "It is a fact that 72% of unwed mothers do contradancing
while the remaining 53% have abortions. The President's new
directive banning contradancing was and is a step in the right
direction in ridding America of these nasty women who make us an
Secretary of Public Affairs Amy Goodman commented on Mr. O'Reilly's
assertions: "How can he sit there and say that something is a fact
when the numbers don't even add up? How can you have more than 100%
of a total population? Did that guy ever learn math? For that
matter, does he even have a penis? I mean, why is he so afraid of
In a rare public appearance away from his "undisclosed location",
Vice President Dick Cheney hinted that the separation could be short
lived: "The demands of these people are unbelievable and
incomprehensible. For starters, they want good public schools
instead of a voucher program. We have carefully explained to them
that they didn't need public schools since all children over the age
of 5 should be working at least 12 hours per day in our factories.
They didn't get it. They want free income for their seniors, so we
carefully explained to them what everybody else already knows: the
Social Security program was a communist ploy by the Democrats-real
Americans don't want social security handouts, they want to work all
day in cubicles and factories so that the wealthy members of our
prosperous society can spend more time on their Texas ranches. They
didn't even understand this. Since we are not coming together on any
of these issues by talking, it is starting to look like a few
tactical nuclear strikes against their vegan compost heaps would
be very well justified. "
Premier LaDuke had the final word before our communications link turn
to static apparently due the EMP blast: "Look, Dick-you don't mind if
I call you Dick do you? You don't want women to get medical care.
You do want white guys who support your party to have guns so that
they can threaten both the women who want medical care as well as the
seniors who just want to live the last few years of their lives in
peace. I'd say that you are the one who doesn't 'get it'."
Tooters International, Copyleft 2002.